


Salvation's Two Paths

by CallieRuiz



Category: Far Cry 5
Genre: Arranged Marriage, Eventual Romance, F/M, I'll add more as things get on, Romance, Slow Burn, Suicide Attempt, Talk of Suicide, chapter 5 for sure be warned of, maybe? I'm not sure, will have smut
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-13
Updated: 2020-08-21
Packaged: 2021-03-04 04:07:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 47,474
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24707347
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CallieRuiz/pseuds/CallieRuiz
Summary: Catlina was supposed to be at a cabin with her friends and husband...not joining Eden's Gate. After their car crashes in Hope County she is taken by Eden's Gate where she is told that God has given her a purpose. Not wanting to follow the path laid in front of her she must find her own way to make it through without compromising who she is.
Relationships: John Seed/Original Female Character(s)
Kudos: 7





	1. The Start

“You know I’m really excited to go on this trip with Jaxson and his brothers. We’ll have a lot of fun being in a cabin and it’s next to a nice river and lake,” Catalina looked over to her husband, Theo, driving their car down the highway trees and mountains passing them by. “I think I might swim in the river or maybe if the lake is clear enough we can have a little bit of night time fun?” She ran a hand up Theo’s leg, a coy smile on her lips. **  
**

Theo chuckled and pushed her hand down glancing briefly at her with his brown eyes that were alight with laughter. “I know you say that now but you and I both know that won’t happen. You have a thing against things not being clean enough and worry about all the little things that could go wrong that never really do, so I’m not holding my breath on the skinny dipping you have in mind.” He placed a hand on Catlina’s stomach, “I am hoping that this trip will help in giving us a family.” They both smiled at the other and gave each other a quick kiss on the lips. 

They had been driving for almost eight hours and couldn’t wait until they got to their destination. They were planning on meeting up with Theo’s best friend Jaxson and his brothers for a getaway. It was going to last a month with little to no cell service and being so far from anyone that would even be considered a neighbor. Jaxson and his brothers had already made it there three weeks ago, leaving right after their last final for the semester. They planned to stay up there until it was time for them to go back to school. 

It was nearing the ninth hour of driving and both Theo and Catlina were getting hungry. Looking at a map Catlina pointed out a town a little off course but would easily get them back on track driving through the town. “Falls End looks like a place big enough for some kind of food. Even if it is bar food hell, even a gas station with snacks is better than nothing right?”

“Yeah and I could use getting a little gas in the car. I know we have enough to get there with it being another three hours away but better safe than sorry.” Theo said, taking the next exit keeping an eye out for other signs leading the way. “Hope County. That’s a cool name better than our county name honestly. Gives you a sense of _hope_ doesn’t it.” 

Catlina rolled her eyes trying to hold back her smile. “You’re lucky I love-“

_**POP!** _

The car started to slide and became hard to control. Theo tried to pull it off to the side of the road but couldn’t stop a car without tires before it flew through the guardrail over to a ditch on the side of the road. Catlina couldn’t do anything but hold onto whatever she could find she looked to Theo as she felt the car flip in the air. It didn’t make a full turn as it hit a tree and landed half on a rock half on solid ground. Both of them had passed out with the impact unaware of the groups of people watching from the tree line. 

One group came out from the passenger side of the vehicle in clothes all marked with a red cross symbol. They made to work getting the doors open and checking those inside making sure they were safe to move. Catlina started to come into consciousness and was trying to piece together what was happening. She heard the voices talking about her and Theo. 

“You think he’s worth taking. I don’t think he’ll even make it.” “Well he wants us to bring anyone we find. I say we get him and if he dies on the way we leave him behind. The girl will make it.” “You’re right.” She felt them tugging on her pulling her to the ground. She feebly tried to protest but in her state all she felt was pain. Then she heard a bang. “Look out! The sinners are here!” She heard scrambling and more what she guessed were gunshots. She weakly called for help but felt them pulling her up over their shoulders. “Leave him! We gotta go!” No they couldn’t leave Theo behind she thought. She had to make sure he could find her. She felt herself being jostled more as her carrier started to pick up speed. She reached for her ring hoping none of them were paying attention. It fell to the ground sparkling ever so slightly in the last fading of the sunset. _Find me_ , she thought, hoping there was someway Theo would know. 

There was a whizzing right by her and her carrier. Another bullet went past them from the opposite direction. There was someone trying to get her from whoever her captors were running from. She lifted her head a little and saw a man with blonde hair and pale skin… _Jaxson_ , with a rifle in his hands. What was he doing here?, she questioned as she felt herself succumb to the blackness of sleep again. 

Jaxson dropped his gun from firing position angrily. They were getting too far for him to shoot or even run after them without more risk to him. He would get Cat back he had to, just not today. He walked back to his brothers and other resistance members looking down when he saw the glimmer of Cat’s ring. He picked it up knowing Theo would want it once he woke up. The people he was with were already getting Theo out of the car and getting a makeshift stretcher ready for him. He didn’t look good and even Jaxson wondered if he would even make it. Standing over Theo Jaxson took the back position of the stretcher telling him determined, “Don’t worry man we got you now. We’ll take care of you I promise you. Then we’ll all get out of this mess.” _Hopefully Catlina can remain herself long enough for us to get her back home._

There were bright lights, voices, shapes that looked like people, her throat and mouth were dry, and so much noise in her ears. Then the pain in her body, god the pain, was unbearable. 

“She’s waking up you have to put her under again” “No he wants to see her first” “Does she have to be in pain? He’s not going to get anything out of her anyway!” “Shush! He’s here move out of the way”

Catlina looked around trying to find whoever these people were talking about. Finally her eyes rested on a mans face. He had brown hair that looked like it was pulled back, yellow aviators, a beard, and…no shirt? There were markings on his body she couldn’t focus enough to know what they were though. Did he want to see and talk to her?

“Pain…” Was that her voice? It sounded so scratchy, “Or water…please?” Her breathing was labored and another wave of pain hit her. The man looked at her still. Was her voice to quiet? 

“She looks like someone I can use for our cause.” He placed a hand on her face wiping away something on her cheek. “Yes she’s going to be perfect. Where’s the man she was with? I’m sure he can also be of use to us.”

“We couldn’t get him. The sinners intervened and took him. Wasn’t much of a loss though I don’t think he was going to make it.” They had to be talking about Theo. What do they mean he wasn’t going to make it? Was he hurt that badly? And who took him? We’re the sinners the good guys or the bad guys?

“Father can we put her back to sleep? She’s in a lot of pain.” _Please say yes. Maybe they’ll give me too much. I won’t ever have to wake up._ Her body felt like it was burning and cold all at once, how much was physical and how much was psychological seemed to over lap too much.

“Yes, but keep me updated on her condition. Nothing stays hidden from me.” Her eyes closed as she felt the pain killers kick in and she was sucked back into darkness. 


	2. Purpose

There was beeping near her head, it wasn’t loud enough to annoy just enough to know it was there. The light was bright and she could tell she was in a bed. It was too soft to be a hospital bed…and the light hurt her eyes. It was disorienting trying to piece together what was happening. Finally her eyes adjusted and she could see the light was coming from a window, it had to be midday. The walls were a light wood, the beams above her were a mixture of two by fours and tree trunks. It was like a cabin, but a really expensive one that only few could afford. She tried to lift her arms but they felt heavy at first. She tested her ability to move her legs seeing them move an inch to either side was comforting. She could at least run still. She tried her arms again to lift herself up in a sitting position. It took a little time but she eventually got to a place to lean her back against the headboard. 

She looked around seeing medical equipment near the bed and a heart monitor on her left side. She didn’t even notice the IV on the top of her hand, there was some blood in the tape and she didn’t know if that was something to worry about or not yet. Her other hand had a fingertip device that attached to the heart monitor. How long had she been out? 

She looked over her body noticing fresh pajamas on and it felt like some clean underwear. No bra which may have been better in this case. She expected some blood or dirt on her from the accident but there was none other than a few scabs on her arms. So she was out long enough for someone to wash her and dress her along with some wounds having scabs in them. 

Thinking about her body she realized that she had to go to the bathroom. It took her forever to get up to a sitting position, walking was going to be harder and she didn’t know where there was a bathroom. She took a deep breath and scanned the room again. It was big enough to be something of a master bedroom so there had to be a bathroom here. She eventually spotted another door slightly ajar not too far off another door that was closed. Guess I better start there. _Deep breath Cat._

She made her way to the edge of the bed when she realized she didn’t know how long the cord to the monitor was. At least the IV wasn’t attached to anything but she couldn’t risk getting close and then running out of length. She sighed and pulled the tape away from her hand hearing the eternal beep of no heartbeat being detected. She doubted anyone would be there to check on her if the readings stopped on that thing. She got to standing and tried to use handholds as much as she could feeling her legs remembering how to walk and stand. There was a little pain in them but nothing broken thankfully. Her breathing hurt a little still and being hunched over was taking its toll on her. 

She was almost there when someone walked through the door. It was a man…different from the one she saw when she last woke up. At least she thought so. The hair color was the same but his hair was cut short, the beard even looked similar, he also looked younger than the other man. She could actually make out his eye color not having glasses hiding them. They were a blue, like a clear lake. He was dressed in a blue button up shirt paired with a black suit vest and black jeans with a belt that had a silver buckle. In any context he was attractive, but hard to tell what he was in this moment. He approached her and she took a step back. 

“You’re awake. Here let me help you,” he held his hands out as he made his way to embrace her to lead her back. Catlina took another step back shaking her head and pointed to her destination. He looked behind him and turned a slight smile on his face. “Let me get someone to help you then. You were hurt very badly.” He opened the door he came from calling for someone. Seconds later a female came in and put her arms around Catlina leading her to the bathroom where she then took her leave quickly. There were enough bars and things she could make her way back to the door way once she was finished. 

_What was happening? Where am I?_ She washed up looking at herself in the mirror. Her olive toned face looked washed out and little slimmer, maybe from not having eaten real food in who knows how long. The dark brown of her eyes looking darker lacking any kind of light in them, she almost seemed dead. Her dark brown hair seemed to be a slight mess and needing a serious washing. She opened her pajama top and looked at her torso. There were some bandages for cuts and around her ribs where she could see some fading bruises. She could see her ribs a little more than normal on the top but her lower abdomen still looked a little full. Nothing changed there which seemed a little odd. She had to be paranoid, she thought as she felt nausea take over. This wasn’t something that was going to go away. She quickly turned to face the toilet as she vomited whatever liquid meal they forced down her throat while asleep. 

Whatever they gave her must have been messing with her system. Latent pain response? This place wasn’t a hospital… _When was the last time I had my medication?_ She always reacted badly when she stopped taking it, it had to be withdrawal then. Better yet it was probably all three things combined. When she cleaned herself up and took a drink of water from the sink she braced herself to make it back to the room and maybe get some answers. 

She opened the door seeing the man from before sitting on the bed. He looked up and came over to help her walk. He led her to the hallway leading to the main part of the building. Her breath quickened and she knew it was going to be impossible to fight the man off. His tight grip said that he wasn’t afraid to hurt her again if she fought or she was still weak from being hurt. There was a wrap around landing showing more doors and a living room that seemed more suited for a hotel than a house. She was having a hard time trying to process it all. She spotted at least six people with guns standing in almost guarding positions. 

There were three individuals standing by the fireplace in the middle of the living area. She recognized one as the man with the yellow glasses. There was one other man and young woman there too. The man looked older than the one leading her down and also had green eyes but his hair was reddish brown. He looked scary and intimidating, his face and arms full of scars. He seemed to tower over the other man and young woman. She didn’t seem to have much resemblance to any of the men. Her hair was a dark blonde with the ends being sun kissed. Her eyes were hazel that seemed to lean on a blue and she looked to be around the same age as Catlina if not a few years younger than her twenty six. All three looked at Catlina as she made her way down the stairs. 

“There she is,” the man with glasses said as he opened his arms for an embrace. “You have awoken and not a moment too soon. My child,” he placed his hands on her shoulders as she felt the other one leave from behind her joining the other two. Soon all she could see was the one holding her, his forehead pressed against hers, “I welcome you to Eden’s Gate for you have been given to us for a purpose far beyond what I could have imagined.” 

“What? What are you talking about?” Catlina asked, even more confused than before. There was a sinking feeling in her stomach that she was in more danger than what was surrounding her. 

“Right, you don’t have any idea who I am. I am Joseph Seed the Father, the prophet of Eden’s Gate.” He backed away from her moving towards the others. “These are my siblings,” he placed a hand on the man who led her down the stairs, “This is John,” his other hand placed on the red haired man, “This is Jacob,” Joseph turned to the young woman holding her hands, “and this is Faith. We are the chosen heralds for Eden’s Gate. Chosen by the lord to be the saviors of the world and society.” 

“Oh uhm well thank you sir for helping me and taking care of me. I uh I need to be going though, as soon as I can. I think my traveling partner and I got separated and-“ she was cut off from saying more. Do they already know where Theo is? She didn’t want to risk revealing her true relationship with him, something told her it was better that way. 

“My child there is no need in leaving us now. I know all of this seems like too much but you soon will see we are here for you. You need more time to heal and accept God so you may walk the path he has chosen for you,” he walked towards her causing her to fall back into a chair, “and if you can’t then we have other ways of showing you.” He had whispered it in her ear making it seem more chilling. “Now Faith, why don’t you help our new member get ready for the service.”

“Yes Father,” she responded as she made her way to Catlina. She stared in abject horror at the thought of what Joseph had meant. She had to leave, she wanted nothing to do with whatever he was planning. Before she could leave she needed answers as to where Theo was and she was going to get them. She and Theo would leave together and never look back. 

Faith helped her up the stairs and led her back to the room Cat had woken up in. Faith stood her in the middle of the room walking to the closet and pulling out two dresses holding them up for Catlina to choose from. 

One of them was a white lace dress with three quarter length sleeves similar to what Faith was wearing just less frayed at the hem. The second was a floral print light blue dress that had cold shoulder short sleeves, this dress had more length looking like it would come just below the knee rather than above like the other one. Catlina was not going to look like she had already submitted to them so she chose the light blue one. She made her way to the bathroom once Faith had also handed over fresh undergarments. 

“Oh, before I forget,” Faith reached into a pocket on the dress and pulled out a newspaper wrapped rectangular box, “Father asked me to give this to you and said it’s for you too open it while you change in the bathroom.” Catlina reached for the box and placed it with her pile of clothing, “I’ll check on you in about fifteen minutes so I can help with your hair.” Faith waved goodbye leaving Catlina in the room alone. 

She quickly made her way to the bathroom and opened the box after placing the clothes on the vanity. It was a pregnancy test with a note written on the box:

_All will be answered but you will obey._

Catlina stopped breathing, was this a manipulation tactic where he put a fake test in the box. Looking more closely the box was brand new and unopened. The original tape was still on it undisturbed. She opened it seeing that the test was unused meaning that it had to be for her to find out. Was she going to confirm that they had the ultimate way to control her? Or did they already know? If they did, how did they find out? It did say that all would be answered, so maybe she had to take the test to get those answers. 

She quickly got the test ready to take thankful for the amount of water she drank earlier. When she finished she placed the cap on and placed it on the counter. She had to wait two and a half minutes before the results showed up. She had to distract herself so she looked to how the shower worked which took all but thirty seconds to figure out. What if the test came up inconclusive would she be expected to take another one or would they just assume it would be negative? If she was pregnant she still wasn’t sure what day it was so would it even be Theo’s? It would make running away a bit easier if it wasn’t his. If it was Theo’s though she would want to do what they said until she could get away or risk losing their child. She wasn’t even sure if Theo was alive or if he decided to join them. This was the longest two minutes for her to be with her thoughts. The little clock on the vanity showed two minutes had passed and she eagerly looked at the test hoping for a negative. 

No there it was clear as day two lines confirming she was pregnant. The lines weren’t even faded like the ones she had taken in the past when her anxiety was running high. She wanted to scream, cry, yell, just do anything to let her feelings out. She started to cry as she got up to hide the test in the trash can and to shower before Faith showed up. The rest of her body felt numb and away from her as her mind raced. When she finally calmed down enough to stop her sobs she left the warm shower. 

None of this could be real. It all had to be some terrible coma dream. She had to wake up or at least find out. She pinched herself as hard as she could and poked her ribs, both created a pain response. This was real. _It’s all real_. As the realization hit her as Faith came in bringing a chair and leading Catlina to sit as she got out a few hair tools. Catlina let her do whatever she wanted, still reeling with everything that happened. Did Faith know she was pregnant? Did they all? She didn’t dare ask as Faith brushed out her hair and placed two braids that met in the back of her head. She took some white flowers that looked almost like morning glories and placed them along the braid with the biggest ones where the two braids met. 

Faith finally took a good look at Cat’s face in the mirror, “You look like you’re a bit stressed. Are you in some pain still?” Catlina didn’t respond, “Poor dear you must be. Here I’ll grab you some water with medication for the pain.” She left for no more than a minute returning with a glass of water. Faith placed the pills in Cat’s hands bringing them up to use instinct to get them in her mouth. She then brought the cup to Catlina’s lips again using instinct to get her to drink the water. When the glass was empty she could feel a sense of calm wash over her. She was still scared but felt like she could handle whatever service Joseph was talking about. She walked out with Faith slipping on some flats before leaving the house. 

It wasn’t a far drive to the church which was simple and on an island. There were people gathered milling about as one would expect before a church gathering. Faith lead Catlina to the back of the church where there was a back door leading to where the brothers waited. She didn’t mind being so close to them now, which seemed strange considering how much fear a look at Jacob brought to her. She could appreciate his handsomeness despite him being at least twenty years older than her. She felt okay being near them. Joseph hugged both her and Faith before announcing that the service was going to start. He looked at Catlina and grabbed her hand as she walked into the church leading her to a seat nearest the altar. He motioned for Jacob to sit next to her which he did so promptly. Getting a closer look at him she could notice the details about his clothing choices and hair style all of which lead her to think he was military in some manner. How long ago it was though was anyone’s guess. The people from outside made their way in and Catlina noticed that a camera was being set up in the middle of the aisle. _That’s strange…_

The red light of the camera came on and Joseph looked to the people in the congregation. “My brothers and sisters, we have gathered here to show our faith and praise to the lord. This…this is a special day amongst us as the Lord has granted us a new member. A new herald that has been chosen to help in continuing our ways for the future!” He paused as the crowd cheered waiting for silence. “Let me show her to you all,” Joseph motioned for Catlina to stand and come to the front but she sat still not wanting any part of this. “My brother Jacob I think she needs some help walking up here. She is so humble she wishes to deny her praise.” She felt the end of a gun near the back of her waist and slight push prompting her to stand up. Jacob held her arm being clever in how he hid the gun from the camera’s view. She stood next to Joseph while Jacob was still behind holding the gun out behind her back. “There we go. Behold the woman that will in a weeks time will, with God’s guidance, choose one of my brothers for whom she will bear a child.” Joseph placed a hand on her stomach at the end really driving the point home. She couldn’t believe what she was hearing. “I know what you my flock may be thinking. Why one of my brothers and not me? Your prophet, your savior. Well to put it simply the lord told me that my time will come but she is not chosen to be my bearer. This woman standing before you was sent by god almost two weeks ago. God saved her and healed her so she may fulfill her purpose.” He placed a hand on her shoulder as he looked down, “Now my children, let us pray and give thanks.” Catlina looked straight ahead doing the math in her head figuring out what it all meant. 

It was Theo’s, she had to have been almost two months along by this point. Joseph knew she was pregnant and he was going to use her and Theo’s child to continue whatever it was he was doing here. He was marrying her off to sell the idea better and was going to have no problem in explaining why she was giving birth almost a month early. She also wasn’t going to have a choice in who she was married too. She also didn’t have much time to get away from this madness. 

When the service came to a close and they were alone she let her feelings out, shoving Joseph, “Who the hell do you think you are?! You think I’m just going to go along with your plans so easily?!” The two brothers came on either side of her ready to grab her. 

Joseph held a hand up, “Leave us she won’t be able to hurt me.” With the siblings gone his expression changed to one of anger. 

“Tell me what’s going on! Where’s the man I was with, how long have I actually been here, and what is happening here?”

“I am bringing about the new age, this world will soon end and I and my brothers have been chosen to prepare the world for the end of days. You are here to help with that. As for how long you’ve been with us no more than a week and a half. So don’t worry, that child of yours isn’t one of ours by blood.” That was a relief. It was Theo’s at least. “But don’t think I won’t harm that child should you disobey and not follow us.” 

Catlina looked up at him, “I don’t want to join you and there isn’t anything you can say that will convince me. I want to go home! I won’t stop fighting to go home! I’m not going to join your…your cult or whatever this is!” 

Joseph slapped her sending her a few steps back. Joseph looked at her apologetically and moved closer to comfort her, “You need to see the reality we have built here. This is where you belong and where you will be safe. Don’t you want safety? Safety for you and your unborn child, the product of you and the man that you love.” He took her face in his hands trying to find something in her expression that his words were getting through to her. “I know you and I see you for who you are. I know all there is to know about you. I know you don’t want to bring any harm to them, you want to preserve his memory. There is no doubt in my mind that the man in the car with you was the love you seek.” Catlina could feel some tears falling from her eyes. Whatever he said next had to have some kind of lie to it. She was sure of it. “That man is gone from this world. He didn’t make it, God wanted it that way. You really were sent here for a reason.” She didn’t know if her sobs were from the frustration of this whole situation or if there was a part of her that actually believed him. 

“You’re lying to me. There’s no way he’s dead, you have him trapped somewhere like I am right now.”

“Shhh,” Joseph pulled her toward him embracing her much like a real father would, “I am not lying to you and I will show you. I will make sure you will heal from this loss.” He kissed her forehead wiping the tears from her face. “For now you must heal from your physical injuries. Come I will take you home.”

She broke from his grip, “How far along am I? You have to know so you can make this plan of yours work.”

“Only a month, it was confirmed while you were asleep. Now come.” He led her outside where the others were waiting near two different cars. Faith handed a water bottle to her, gave her a hug goodbye and jumped in one of the cars with Jacob. John opened the door helping Catlina in with the father following and taking a seat to her right. John on the left. “Drink the water, you need to keep hydrated.” Joseph told her opening the bottle and having her drink. 

Catlina was thirstier than she had previously thought. Most of the bottle was gone by the time she looked up again. She felt sleepier and put it off as coming from her injuries. She rested her head on John’s shoulder contentment coming over as she rested her eyes.


	3. First "Date"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Jacob and OC sex scene at the end so skip if you want. This was about where I started to heavily edit my writing so 1-3 are not as up to par as I like now. But context and story telling you know. Any way enjoy.

Catlina woke again in the room that was fit more for an inn, the monitor was gone and she had more strength to her body making it around. There was a note on the nightstand on her left. This was the third one left for her in the morning, the first one was from John with a bouquet of flowers from the area along with a gift of some earrings. She rejected both giving at least the earrings back to John, bribery wasn’t going to get him anywhere. The second was from Jacob and was straight to the point of asking her on a date so they could talk to each other, she obliged with that one since she would still be at the ranch and he was farther away. She hoped it would be the last time he contacted her. She apparently did get a choice between the two brothers but it would only be taken into consideration. Joseph will ultimately make the final decision. Picking up the note she could tell it was from John, his handwriting was impeccable and neat unlike hers, it was inviting her to come down for a meal with him, which looked like it would be lunch since she had been sleeping in the last few days. She stayed up at night seeing how long she could in case she got the chance to leave. 

She still never heard anything from Joseph in regards to his proof of Theo’s death. It had to be a bluff. She really didn’t feel like leaving the bed much today, she didn’t have access to her depression medication that kept her going, though she doubted their performance adding everything else to the mix. She wanted to just not go on this “date” with John but she had to see if in the worst case scenario she could live with him. 

Worse case for her meant that Theo was dead, there was no escape from here, and she had to live with them forever. In that case the only saving grace was that she could raise her and Theo’s child to the best of her ability in this family. She would make sure that they were loved and knew of life beyond this. Maybe then she could get out with them and live some kind of hidden life. 

None of that matters though, she was here in an inbetween state of existantance. Not looking to the depths of despair but not looking up either. She felt the wave of sadness hurting her chest and she hid herself under the covers hoping no one would check on her. She couldn’t lock the door from the inside of the room and it was too much energy to put a chair against the door. She was sure that they would be upset that they had to break the door down anyway. There was eventually a small knock on the door and she closed her eyes, evening her breath to appear asleep, hopefully they would just leave. She heard the door start to open and foot steps into the room. The door closed behind whoever it was, she heard the clinking of dishes on what had to be a tray. _Please leave the food there I don’t want to talk, or even live…_ She heard it be placed down and felt a weight settle on the bed. 

“Please wake up, you can’t spend all day sleeping,” it was John and he was stroking the back of her head being delicate. “We can stay in the room today if you want I don’t mind talking to you in here.” She could feel that he laid down on the bed and he had to be facing her. She felt like just crying, why couldn’t he just leave her alone? It didn’t matter who she was with at this point, she didn’t really have any say in it in the end. “Jacob called in, said he was going to take you out later tonight and you’ll spend all day with him tomorrow. Let’s spend what time we have today together.” He pulled the blanket off Catlina’s head smiling at her. She opened her eyes to his blue ones, still she hoped they would be Theo’s brown eyes. 

“Please leave me be,” she requested, attempting to pull the blanket back over her. When the blanket wouldn’t give, due to John holding it, she could feel tears brimming her eyes. “Please.” She pleaded hoping to hide herself before the tears started to come down. 

John placed his hand on her cheek, and brushed away what she felt to be tears, “Talk to me. What’s wrong?” _What was wrong?! Really you have the nerve to ask me that?_ She wanted to yell at him everything that was wrong, tell him she knew what this was all for. She wanted to tell him that she just wanted to go home, to go back to her friends and Theo, how she worried that he really was dead. How if he died it would feel like there was nothing left for her, how her heart could never feel whole again. John pulled her closer the same way Theo would have when she was sad, “It’s okay to cry, this is a lot to take in. So much of your life has been changed and now you are expected to pick your life partner in a matter of seven days. I don’t blame you for being upset and overwhelmed.” He kissed the top of her head, “We can just lie down in silence if you want. I just want to make sure that you eat something today and that you can go with Jacob tonight. I want to be here for you and I will take care of you even if you don’t choose me in the end.” 

“Why?”

“Why? Believe it or not but you are very different from anyone I have met before in my life.” 

She pulled away from him feeling her skin crawl where he touched her. “You don’t even know a thing about me. I could have been a horrible person out in the real world and you would still want that? Or are you basing this off of some random interest that we both happen to have?” She didn’t want to play this role, she wanted Theo. She wanted to stay loyal to him at all costs but it seemed impossible when she had to hide a pregnancy and was going to be married. In her interactions with the siblings it seemed that Joseph was the only one that knew so she would really have to cheat in order to get out of this. 

“Look I know you don’t trust me, but hear me when I say that I have met many bad people in my life. They all have something about them that just tells you their bad, you though don’t fit in with that. That passion you felt after the service, what I saw was someone that was willing to fight for someone. You pushed Joseph to get his attention not to harm him.” He placed his hand on her waist, “It was something that I wish I had seen more of growing up.” He leaned in closer in what Catlina could only assume was for a kiss. 

She held her hand up and shook her head. “What are you doing?” She raised an eyebrow at him, “Flattery isn’t your strong suit. I’m not going to just kiss you like that.”

John looked a little surprised and embarrassed and quickly righted himself. He cleared his throat and sat up turning toward the tray of food still on the nightstand, “Uhm, right, uh. You…you should probably eat something. I hope you like grilled cheese and tomato soup. It’s uh about the only things I can make without burning the place down.” He tried to laugh it off, but there was still some red running up his neck that was the only other indication of his embarrassment. 

Catlina sat up, careful of the food tray, there was also some chopped fruit which was probably placed there in case his cooking was inedible. The sandwich itself wasn’t bad, just wasn’t cooked the way she liked too, and the soup she could tell was from a can, which was fine making soup took too long. She could see John out of the corner of her eye watching and waiting for a response. “It’s not bad. Though I feel like I should show you how to make a really cheesy grilled cheese. Trust me you won’t burn the house down,” she couldn’t help but smile a little. That seemed to relax John a bit and he started to chuckle at the thought of him taking her method and still messing it up. 

“Do you know how to cook a lot of things?” 

She shrugged, “I mean define a lot. I know a lot of basics and what’s nice about cooking is you can build it from those basics. ‘Complex’ recipes are just the basics with a few extra steps that are also basics. It’s just the taste that gets hard to get down.” 

He stared at her seeming like he was hanging on to every word, “So would you teach me to cook?” She nodded her mouth holding a bite of food, “What about our son would you teach him?”

She nearly choked on her food and looked at him panic crossing her face until she managed to swallow and calmly ask, “What do you mean?” _Did he actually know about her baby?_

“Sorry poor words, I meant like if we were to have kids and just happened to have a son would you teach him how to cook also?”

She slowed her breathing down and nodded, “Of course I would. He needs to learn to care for himself and not rely on his partner to do everything for him.” 

John smiled at her response and she couldn’t help but smile in return. Maybe in this crazy choice she had to make he wasn’t that bad of a choice. Maybe she could like him as a friend, though that still seemed doubtful. He just seemed too nice to her. 

John continued to ask questions about her and they talked about many things as the afternoon wore on. She tried to ask some questions to get to know him but was met with walls and half answers. It was a decent time they had and when she became tired he let her sleep until she had to be woken up to get ready to leave with Jacob. John never left the room while she slept and actually laid down with her. She got up to take a shower before she left packing a small bag in the closet when she came across the drawer of matching underwear sets. She debated if putting one on would make things worse or easier. Her last “date” with Jacob was silent and awkward to say the least. Maybe he was more of a physical guy? Or maybe it would be different since he would be in his safe zone. He could be more like himself. She packed it in the bag just in case she changed her mind while in the shower.

She picked a dress to wear for the night and realized that it would look and fit better if she did wear the slinkier set she packed away. As she had finished changing John came through the door asking if she had everything. She nodded after one last glance around and let him escort her outside. Jacob stood by his truck looking even gruffer than before, it had to be the night time shadows. He told John he’d have her back there by tomorrow evening and with that he opened the door to the truck helped Catlina in and off they went. 

It was a windy road that led the way to where he stayed at and it was a silent ride. Catlina was too scared to ask for the radio to be turned on knowing it would be hymns. Almost as if Jacob was reading her mind he pressed a few buttons on the dash and started to play what she was pretty sure was a Metallica song. Well that was…different to say the least. The tape played varying rock songs that she could place being 80’s with an occasional 90’s band in there. It at least was better than the hymns she had been hearing the past few days. 

“Look I’m going to be honest with you, I don’t like this whole possibility of being married to you,” _Thanks tell me how you really feel_ , “I am not meaning that as an attack on your character. However, marriage to me seems like a waste of time. I’m only doing this to humor my younger brother. I doubt he’ll pick me unless you make a case for it. Don’t think you’ll get anything resembling a loving marriage from me, if you want this to be the bare minimum of marriage to procreate that’s fine with me.” He smiled to himself as he brought himself to say the next thing, “Hell once I get you knocked up you can fuck whoever you want after that. You want easy and efficient then that’s what I am.” 

Catlina didn’t know what to say she was stunned at how honest he was being. “Thank…you…” was the only thing she could muster up to say after his little speech. He scared her yes but if she had to be stuck here was he such a bad choice in the end? John seemed to want to go the traditional route of charming her while Jacob just didn’t care and wanted to get the job done with. 

“Obviously you should think about what you want. I just wanted to be upfront on my stance.” They drove a little farther and she could see him relax as they got deeper in the mountains. 

“Jacob,” she asked, “if I may but if that’s your stance then what is the plan for tomorrow? I’m tired of being stuck in a room.” 

Jacob opened his mouth to speak and then closed it, “You know I didn’t really think about that. Let’s get through some dinner and I’ll think about it.” He glanced at her looking her up and down, “You look very nice by the way.” 

She thanked him and went back to being in her thoughts the rest of the drive. She was still unsure of what she should be doing and the morality and ethical aspects of her thoughts. There was something about these men that just caused her body to react to them in a way that she shouldn’t be feeling. Part of it was a natural response that didn’t need acting upon, but she was wanting too. Was it really just her trying to get ahead in her coping to a new life or was she just trying to play this role until she could escape it? Or was she just a bad person that wanted to break her vow of fidelity? It could have been the accents, that damn southern drawl no matter how subtle made them more attractive. Maybe it was their personalities, very different but both having an appeal, John with his sweet and caring persona he showed the world and Jacob with his controlling direct ways created a feeling of pure lust within her. 

She was mulling all the points by the time they reached their destination. Jacob helped her out of the car and led her to a room with a queen size mattress, the bed looking like you could bounce a quarter off of it. He threw her bag to the foot of the bed and led her back to a dining area. Dinner was simple and surprising that it wasn’t an MRE. Her earlier sadness was gone for the time being as looking at Jacob she saw more of what would draw a person to find him attractive. She asked for more water and that’s when she noticed a change in herself. There had to be something in the water they kept giving her. She was letting her inhibitions go and was feeling only good feelings at this point. She noticed Jacob drinking whiskey or some kind of amber colored alcohol throughout the dinner and their casual time. She started to make subtle changes to her appearance hoping that Jacob would notice even the slightest thing about her. 

Finally Jacob announced that it was time for bed. He left to take a shower and while he was gone she went to the room to lie down for a little bit, having more water. She could hear water running through the pipes and all she could think of was Jacob’s arms around her pulling her closer or even pinning her down. His lips lighting fires wherever they kissed her. His body pressed to hers as he controlled the speed at which he moved. Her thoughts were clouded once she heard the water shut off and footsteps to the room. In her haze she realized that this had to be his room and he had placed her stuff here meaning they were going to share the bed that night. Her heart raced at the thought and when she heard his footsteps stop at the door she could feel his eyes roaming her body. She turned around to face him noting his pajamas were flannel pants and a white t-shirt. Very efficient. She noticed his eyes linger a little long on her chest where she was not aware that the dress pulled down enough to show a peek at the lacy ensemble beneath. 

“You didn’t change for bed?” 

“I forgot to get some pjs,” not a lie she actually did once she thought about it. “I’ll be fine sleeping in this unless you’re okay with me being in my underwear next to you?” She fluttered her eyelashes at him unknowingly and moved to sit up a little more making sure to emphasize her chest hoping to get him on the same wavelength as she was. 

He nodded and came to sit on the bed next to her, “You look like you could use some help with the dress.” He didn’t wait for response as he pulled the zipper in the back down and slid the shoulders off of her. She let it fall exposing the upper half of her body in the dark purple lacy bra. His hands lightly touched her exposed skin sending shockwaves and fire where they traced. She wanted so badly for him to just grab her into a kiss. Instead he placed his hand on her thigh and pulled the dress off her completely. Jacob continued to look at her, his fingers starting to trace the hems and straps of what she was left in. 

Her breathing quickened and she moved closer to him. She placed her hands on his body and started to trace his chest and arms moving up to his neck. Her fingers started to find their way into his hair when she moved closer to his ear, “If these dates are supposed to show me what being married to you is like then you should give me at least a small preview.” She moved her head so her lips could kiss his cheek when he took control. He pressed his lips to hers and held her to his body. She couldn’t escape even if she wanted too with a hand behind her neck and the other on her lower back. She intertwined her fingers in his hair moving in an attempt to straddle him, he gladly helped pulling her on top of him. Their lips hardly parted and his hand started to move across her body playing with the edges of her bra and underwear. She finally had to pull away to catch her breath when she noticed the door was still open. “The door shouldn’t we close it?” She asked, having a hard time getting the words out since he had moved to kissing along her neck and chest. 

He glanced behind her narrowing his eyes, “You’re right,” with that he lifted her with such ease and she helped by wrapping her legs around his waist. He kissed her more as he quickly made it to the door shutting it and locking it. He then pressed her against the wall, his lips moving down her neck and across her shoulders teasing the strap of her bra to fall to the side. She let out a moan and moved her hands under his shirt feeling the scars on him. His hands deftly removed her bra tossing it to the side. He took a moment to look at her supple C cup breasts before assaulting them with his mouth. She moaned again louder and her nails started to dig into his body. It was electrifying and she wanted so much more of him. She started to lift up his shirt which he took as a sign to start moving back to the bed letting her remove it and toss it aside. As he laid them on the bed she started to kiss down his body, her hands starting to roam farther down. 

Every part of her burned with desire for him and she could only hope she was showing him. She found his member with ease and started to rub the already hard organ over his pj bottoms. As her mouth made it further down she started to pull his pants off so when she got to his cock it was more then ready for her to wrap her lips around it. When she had his tip in her mouth she could hear Jacob moan encouraging her to move down his shaft more using her tongue to trace down the underside of him. When she got to the base she sucked harder moving up and down eliciting more moans from him. She could feel his hands starting to move into her hair, she brought herself back up taking some time for air and a small break for her mouth. She continued to lick and tease the tip as pre cum started to leak out. She wasn’t sure how long he could last but hoped that he waited to cum once he was inside her aching vagina. Jacob soon started to push her head down taking a deep sigh that turned into a moan. She could hear him whispering “Oh god” and “Fuck” as she moved up and down his cock. 

She started to move faster as he pushed her head farther down getting as much as he could into her. She managed to meet him with each new thrust. “God if this is just the foreplay being married to you might not be that bad,” he moaned louder as he thrusted into her once more. Her mouth was starting to get tired when he lifted her up to his lips. He kissed her long and hard as he turned her to be on her back. 

He kissed all over her body as she kept trying to feel his body. He eventually took both her wrists in one hand pinning them above her head. “Stop. I know where I want this to go.” He told her his hand moving over the lacy underwear, the last piece of clothing between them. She let out a breathy moan as he made contact with the area in most need of attention. He wasted no time in ripping off the underwear but took his time to really find her pleasure spot. She could tell he knew where it was but just wanted to tease her. When he finally made contact with it her hips bucked a bit and she let out a moan that may have been a bit too loud. “Shhh we don’t want anyone to find out,” he whispered into her ear. She nodded and bit her lip trying to control her volume. It got harder as he expertly used his fingers to pleasure her and then used his mouth to give attention to her breasts. The combination was getting to be too much and Jacob could tell so he slowed down but that just seemed to make her feel more inclined to just let go. 

“Please don’t stop, dear god don’t stop or slow down.” She told him hoping he would listen. And listen he did. He lifted her so she was straddling him while he was on his knees. Her arms being free allowed her to hold onto him as he aggressively pumped his fingers in and out of her his thumb still moved circles around her clit. She could feel her muscles contracting around his fingers as her orgasm exploded through her body. She screamed in his shoulder as it racked through her, “Fuck me Jacob. Just take me,” she told him as he still rubbed her clit as she came down from that orgasm. He threw her on the sheets and pulled her hips to meet his as he speared her with his penis. She moaned his fingers coming in second to the feel of him finally inside her. There was some part of her brain trying to be rational and reminding her of the dangers that were going to come from this that was soon made to be quiet as Jacob started to thrust into her. He started slow but soon picked up speed and each one felt better than the last. He knew how to go deeper and move himself to give the most pleasure. She tried to keep up but was ineffectual to his years of experience. He eventually took one of her legs and placed it over his shoulder allowing him to go even deeper than before which caused her to moan louder and him to pick up speed. “Fuck. Jacob I’m getting close,” he pumped in and out of her quicker and harder sending her over the edge. She started to scream but Jacob placed a hand over her mouth to muffle it as he himself moaned as he finished with her. She could feel his semen fill her and he pumped a few more times slowly letting her ride out the last of her orgasm. Letting her leg fall back to its normal place both of them were breathless and satisfied. She kissed him once more on his lips, “Thank you. That…that was amazing.”

He gave a small smile as he took his place on the left side of the bed. The bed sheets under them were out of place making it easy for Jacob to pull them off to cover them both. She felt so tired from their sex she laid her head on his chest still hearing his heart beat rapidly. As it slowed she could feel her eyelids get heavy as Jacob gave a kiss to the top of her head. “God it’s been a while since I had a good fucking, I should be thanking you.” He started to rub her exposed arm lightly, “You know I think I figured out what we’ll do tomorrow, but you get some rest first.” He wrapped both of his arms around her and another soft kiss was the last thing she remembered before falling asleep. 


	4. First Time Firing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PTSD like episode in case that makes anyone uncomfortable.

She awoke the next morning regret filling her mind. Did she actually let herself do that? Something else had to be at play there, right? She was starting to think there was something in the water that was affecting her prefrontal cortex, much like how alcohol affected people. So the question became if she really wanted to have sex with Jacob or if there was something else really telling her to do it. She knew how the brain worked and there had to have been a part of her that wanted to sleep with him, whatever was in the water just took away the thoughts that made her think about the consequences. She just acted with little thought as to what was happening. 

She felt like a terrible person. There was no way that Theo would ever take her back or even forgive her. If he was alive still…She wanted to lie in the bed and fade away, she didn’t deserve to be here alive. 

“Oh good you’re up,” Jacob walked into the room, dressed and ready for the day, a piece of toast in his hand. “I can make you a quick breakfast while you get ready, I hope you didn’t pack another dress.” He winked at her and left her alone. She looked down at the bed and then the clock, it was nine in the morning, he had probably been up for a while.

She took a deep breath and got up to find her way to the shower, she needed one after what happened last night. She could still smell the sex on her, which in looking back was really great. It had made her feel a little alive again, she forgot what her life was like in reality for the time that it lasted. She tried to make her shower as quick as she could despite trying to scrub herself raw. Her mind was warring and it was hard to focus on much other than to try and calm it down. She felt sick and leaned over a trash can in the bathroom thankful that she was still in the shower and could just clean herself easily. God she missed her medication. They would have helped cope with- well with this situation better. 

She took forty five minutes to get ready for the day. She put on the t-shirt and jeans that she was able to find along with some beat up sneakers that were just a little too big. Thankfully she didn’t bother with much else because when she opened the door Jacob was there leaning against the wall. He didn’t look madder than he normally did so she hoped that he hadn’t been waiting there for very long. 

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to take that long,” she told him, not making eye contact. She started to make her way back to the room to drop her bag off when he grabbed her arm. 

“We should get going, I did make you a sandwich you can eat on the way there.” He held up a foil wrapped sandwich shape as he pulled her to the front of the building. He again helped her into the car and handed her the food he had made. She opened it and ate it quickly not realizing how hungry she was until the smell of the bacon hit her. She quickly finished the sandwich off seeing if her stomach was going to handle it. 

The road they drove this time was rougher and more remote than where they had been staying at. She could hear the sound of howling as they drove farther into the trees, “Are there a lot of wolves in this area?”

“Yeah there is, are you worried about them?”

“No, I know they’re more of a if you bother them they’ll bother you kind of animal. I got to see some at a sanctuary once, they were really beautiful and their fur was so soft touching it.”

“Wolves can be dangerous though.” 

“Yeah but anything can be dangerous when you think about it. Wolves are social creatures like us and we did manage to domesticate them to dogs that we know today, if they were always dangerous then that would have never happened. I find that wolves get a bad rap as being these creatures that just attack to attack. Really we attacked them just for being wolves. It’s why they almost went extinct you know.”

“So if there was a wolf that looked ready to attack, you wouldn’t run away?”

“No,” she scoffed, “cause that’s the dumbest move you could do in that situation. You can submit or show that you’re bigger and scarier in that situation. If you run they will just attack you cause now you showed yourself to be prey.” She paused to think for a moment, glancing at Jacob’s unreadable face, “Though I could say all this now but if the situation came up I don’t know how I would react in that moment.”

“You’re a little strange has anyone ever told you that?” He slowed to a stop near an open field, “Alright here we are.” He got out, getting a duffel bag from the backseat. Cat walked over to help him carry something. He shook his head slinging the bag over his shoulder and walked to the field. “I was having a hard time trying to come up with something but then I took one look at you and came up with it,” he placed the bag on the ground and looked to her with a mocking face, “You don’t look like the type to have learned to shoot in your childhood.” Cat wasn’t going to deny that, he was right. “We are also a group of people that need to protect themselves and one of the best ways is to use a gun.” 

She looked at the bag as he squatted down to rifle through it seeing various types of guns packed away in it. Her eyes widened her heart thumping loudly. She felt herself becoming uncomfortable, shifting where she stood and crossing her arms. She never even held a gun in her life, even touching a historic gun made her feel sick. She tried to calm her nerves rationalizing reasons that there was no harm in learning. There was no reason that she ever had to use one once she learned, and her dad always did want to teach her and her sisters. She just had to think of this like a just in case type of learning. 

Jacob took a look at her face and laughed, “Don’t tell me the woman unafraid of a wolf is scared of guns.” He held a few up to her, it felt like he was seeing if it was the right size for her. Finally he chose what looked like a pistol, she wasn’t sure if that was even correct. She gingerly took it from when he passed it to her, her anxiety was rising by the minute. She felt her heartbeat in her ears and her and her body become numb. “Alright first things first is the basics of a gun.” He went through the rundown of how to hold a gun, where the safety was, a general idea of how to aim, and common mistakes that could get her hurt. She tried to focus on all the safety stuff but her mind kept straying, she felt like she was leaving her body behind and it started in her hands.It felt like her hands were no longer there and any movement felt like a ghost trying to grab hold of the world. Her eyes weren’t focusing on anything and she kept trying to bring them to what Jacob’s hands were doing. She felt her heart race and the only instinct was to curl up in a ball somehow. She knew her brain was shutting down, like an overworked computer. She was hanging onto reality by a thread.

“Alright,” the placement of his hands on her shoulders turning her brought her back enough to hear his words again properly, “now I’m gonna have you aim at that hay bale a few yards away,” he pointed to the left, “It’s going to sound loud but this kind won’t hurt your ears like others will. Now watch first and then you can try.” She nodded, unable to find her voice, her brain was screaming at him that she wanted to stop. He took a stance and more slowly than he must have been used to, he aimed and shot three times. He gave a small smile to her and waved for her to come over. 

Her heart was like a jackhammer in her chest, the sounds of the world muffled like she was underwater. There were some sounds that were clear, as she felt her legs take the same stance as Jacob. The sound of tires popping, the screeching of brakes and metal against asphalt. She didn’t want to do this, this was wrong to her. She felt Jacob behind her making adjustments to her stance. The sounds of metal wrapping around wood, “Alright. Now,” the shouts of people, “Fire.”

There were waves in her arms, she felt like she was watching her arms in slow motion. The gun moved just as slowly and she watched as the bullet managed to hit the hay bale. The second bullet speed time back up. There was one more shot from the barrel of the gun and she could hear Jacob’s muffled words of praise. She looked down to her hands, the gun shaking, her stomach feeling like it was going to fall. There was a chill followed by a wave of heat that ran through her whole body. She dropped the gun and ran a few yards away, falling to her knees, keeling over to vomit. 

The sounds of gunfire filled her head, shouts, and crunching metal. It was all around her and so loud, she covered her ears shutting her eyes as she felt tears on her cheeks. She was rocking back and forth as the images of the members of Eden’s Gate pulled her from the car. The second group of people running in with their guns raised. Theo bloody and half out of the car. She felt helpless and there was pain in her body. Everything was so loud, she put her hands over her ears shaking it back and forth trying to get the noise to stop. 

She was crying, she was scared, and even jumped when Jacob had put a hand on her shoulder. She looked to his face but it wasn’t Jacob’s any more it was Joseph the first time she saw him. There was terror there, she couldn’t feel it then but she could feel it now. She backed away from him. Jacob squatted down, his hands up placing the gun down near him trying to get her to calm her and bring her down to reality. She couldn’t stop shaking and tried to look for anything that would get it to stop. She saw the gun and quickly made a grab for it. She beat Jacob to it and held it up and pointed it at him. The cool metal felt safe in her hands, like it was meant to be there. She didn’t have a plan and her brain was screaming at her. _Just do it. You know what you should do. One shot will make this all go away._

Jacob didn’t seem phased by it in the slightest. His voice stayed level, “Hey I know you feel scared right now, but whatever it is you’re seeing it’s not what’s around you. You don’t want to hurt me, I know you don’t.” He was right, and she lowered the gun. The voice inside her head was goading her, it was amazing how quickly her brain went to thoughts of killing herself. Didn’t matter how much help she got over the years. He made his way closer to her. She didn’t want to hurt him, she wanted to hurt herself. She felt the feeling again of her arms not being hers anymore. It was like there was a ghost of her coming out of them. 

_What harm could it be?_ She thought to herself as she looked down focusing solely on the gun. _What would happen if you just held it to your head?_ She didn’t want to do that…She saw her right arm raised with the gun in her hand. Her mind was spinning. She didn’t want this but holding it closer the thoughts, those damn intrusive thoughts, just got louder. She heard the shuffling of dirt in front of her. She was frozen in place, not knowing what to do. “Here, just hand me the gun,” Jacob’s voice was soft as his hands reached towards her. Her hands started to shake again and she could feel the world start again. She slowly handed it to him and the ghost of her came back into her body as he took it from her. He tossed it far from them and looked back to Catlina. She was a mess, she had started sobbing not knowing what was happening to her in the moment. She felt everything and nothing at the same time. Jacob held her as she sobbed, “You’re safe here. Nothing is going to happen to you.”

Eventually the shaking stopped and she had calmed her sobs to just tears. She took some deep breaths pulling herself away from Jacob. She looked around her trying to spot five specific things: a cloud in the sky, tree with a broken top, an old fence post, a red bird, and the dog tags on Jacob’s neck. Four things she could feel: the dirt beneath her hands, the feel of the denim on her legs, a sharp rock under her palm, and her hair against her face in the wind. She had calmed down enough to actually have words leave her mouth.

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have freaked out like that.” She took one more deep breath. “I don’t know what happened or why it even did.”

“No need to be sorry, I’ve seen it worse than that,” he was nonchalant about the remark, a reminder of what his past was, “I remember that Joseph said you were brought in during a gunfight, there were no other signs that it affected you or you even remembering it at all.” 

“I do but never that vividly,” she shook her head, not wanting to think about it anymore. Cat put a fake smile on, “You were also right in that I never learned to shoot, this was actually the first time I held a gun.”

“I’m sorry you had to go through that.” Jacob sighed and looked back at the bag rubbing the back of his neck with his right hand, “I still want you to know how to protect yourself in some way and I’m not good at teaching hand to hand…” His voice trailed off as he stood up. He put a hand to his chin in thought, “I do have one other thing that might be better for you.” He went to the car where he pulled out a bow with a quiver of arrows. “Similar concepts of aiming but might be better for someone like you,” he looked at her arms noticing that there might be a lack of strength to them, “Hopefully. Are you up for it?” She shrugged and grabbed his outstretched hand to help her stand up. 

The lesson went better as this felt more like a fun activity, or at least she kept telling herself to keep her mind calm. It did take her awhile to be able to get an arrow launch since there was a strength that had to be learned. Eventually she got it and was able to hit a target a few yards away. Her arms had started to hurt and Jacob called it good once that happened. “Seems like you might be a better fit for John than me.”

“On what grounds?” She asked, helping to pack up the truck.

Jacob let out a breath through his nose in a laugh and a small smile, “You talk like he does as you just proved.” She rolled her eyes at the comment, “You also just match him in strength.”

She furrowed her brow as she jumped in the truck after him, it took a little more effort given her height and sore arms, “What does that mean?”

He started the car backing up to the main road, “Well physically you have the same strength level as him. Sorry to say,” his mocking face said he was anything but sorry, “But it seems you may be better at your words than any physical action.” He noticed her mouth start to open, “I just mean in a fight, taking action like protesting is a different thing entirely. That’s where you fall.”

“Wouldn’t that just make it harder to get along with your brother?”

He shrugged, “Guess that’s up to you in the end.” The two stayed quiet the rest of the car ride, the only sound coming from the radio and Cat’s humming. When they pulled up to the ranch John stood waiting outside waving as they pulled up.

Cat waved back a smile on her face, before turning to Jacob, “You won’t tell anyone about what happened today right? I don’t need anyone to worry about me. It was a one time thing.” The only response she got was a nod from Jacob as he put the truck in park. John came to the passenger side opening the door for her. He held a hand out to her trying to help her down. Cat suppressed an eye roll as she jumped down ignoring John’s out stretched hand. He rubbed the back of his neck as he shut the door behind her, “Thanks.”

“Of course,” he looked between Jacob and Cat, “So did you have a nice time?”

“Yeah it was a nice time. Got to spend some time outdoors. Learned how to shoot a bow and arrow. You know manly things that Jacob feels comfortable with.” She turned to the car waving a goodbye with John following suit. They both thought they saw a small nod in acknowledgement from him before he drove off.

“Right,” John turned on his charm back to her, “Should we get some dinner then? I’m sure you must be a little hungry.”

She glanced his way, her smile fading a little, “I’m actually pretty tired.” She noticed the mumbling under his breath and added on, “Unless dinner is already made then I could eat a little. I haven’t eaten since breakfast.”

John seemed to perk up a little, “It’s not but I can get something going while you get settled.” He led her inside and started to look for someone, she assumed one capable of cooking. 

Cat grabbed his hand, “I can always cook too. Maybe something small?” 

“No, you deserve to rest.”

“I don’t really want to be more of an inconvenience than I already am.”

“Nonsense. That’s what some of them are here for,” Cat looked at him an eyebrow raised in shock and curiosity. John looked her face over, “What? Am I wrong?”

She rolled her eyes, “It’s fine John really. I don’t have to to eat.” She thought better of her words, “Actually I’m not that hungry anymore. Good night John.” She hated when people said things like that. She walked off to the room locking herself in the bathroom using the shower as a distraction and barrier between the two of them. _Who does he think he is anyway? If that’s how he talked to his own members of his faith then how was he going to continue to talk to me if I was stuck here?_

Coming out to the room she saw John waiting for her, “What did I say that got you so upset with me?”

“I never said I was upset.”

“You didn’t have to,” he pointed to her face, “It’s like an open book. So tell me.” 

She crossed her arms in front of her, “Will it make a difference?” He crossed his arms to leaning against the back of a chair casually looking at her, it was going to be a staring contest and she conceded first in a huff, “It’s annoying to me when people say things like ‘We I shouldn’t have to clean up my table at McDonald’s it’s _their_ job to do it for me.’ I mean sure it’s in the job description but is it really so bad as to make their lives easier?” He continued to look at her allowing her to finish where her thought process was going, “People that work there have many other things to do and not doing something as simple as that shows how little care a person can have for their fellow human. They are overworked and underpaid a lot of time and you saying that about people that follow you out of faith- well what does _that_ say about your character Mr. Seed.” 

“That is really their job though,” he looked at her with a raised eyebrow, “how is that a problem still?”

She sighed, “Just because it is their sole job phrasing it like that shows that you see them as lower than you. Aren’t you all supposed to be equal at Eden’s Gate? Equality because the world is cruel and doesn’t treat you as such.” She took a few steps towards the bed, “All you had to say was ‘No it’s not an inconvenience.’” Cat felt herself become more irritated and felt her stomach cramp in hunger. She didn’t mean to get so annoyed with what he said and it probably had to do with lack of food. She took a deep breath, “I’m sorry. I feel like that came out more rude than it should have been.” She made her way to the door, “I guess I did need food. I’m just going to make a sandwich, do you want me to make you anything? Least I can do after chewing your ear off for something so small.”

He shook his head, “Is it okay I join you in making it?”

That took Cat a little by surprise, “I mean if you want to I guess.” She opened the door, gesturing for him to proceed first.

He placed a hand on the edge of the door, “Ladies first.”

She smirked at him, “But age before beauty.”

He looked offended before chuckling, “Guess you’re right since I don’t see any ladies.” Cat mocked kicked him as he walked through the door. _Cheeky_. She rolled her eyes following him down to the kitchen area. Cat gathered things to make a grilled cheese with some leftover chicken while John watched on. 

Her hands started to get shaky knowing someone was watching her. “Do you- uh- do you think you can not look at me so head on?” She rubbed one of her hands on her arm as she avoided eye contact with him. 

“Shall I just sit at the table or would you like me to get you something?”

“You can sit at the table just, well I don’t know, look busy or act like it.” She ran a hand through her hair as she turned back to the food on the stove, “Sorry I get a little weird with people having their eyes on me.”

“Don’t be. Though I wonder what’s going to happen once you become one of the heralds of Eden’s Gate.”

She never thought about that part. She had hoped she would marry and could hide from the public once it was all said and done. She got a lid on the pan watching the cheese melt on the bread slices. “Hey John,” she turned to look at him picking at the hem of her shirt, “can I ask you something? Something I want you to be totally honest about with me.”

He eyed her, his head tilting to his left, “Anything you’d like.”

She took a deep breath trying to make sure what she had to say would come out the right way. “What do you think of all this? Of having to be married and then forced to have a child,” she started to take out the sandwich from the pan, “And well what is it you would want out of the marriage?”

There was silence for a while as she moved to sit at the table across from him as he covered his mouth and chin with his brows furrowed. Cat took a bite as John started to speak, “I don’t see it as a bad thing. Makes sense that one would want to keep a religion going by having kids. So if that’s what is wanted and needed by God then who am I to disagree with it,” he faced her, his arms on the table one hand on top of the other, he reminded her of a salesman, “As for what I want, well that’s the bigger question.”

“It’s a simple answer. Your brother knew exactly how he wanted it to look.”

“Hmm, what does he say?”

She shook her head swallowing, “Tell me what you want first. I’m not letting his idea influence yours. I want honesty here.” 

John leaned back in the chair looking her over, “This is a duty nothing more,” _Okay neither are looking for a fulfilling marriage,_ “That’s what arranged marriages are, though that isn’t saying something more can’t come from it.”

“Is that what you want?”

“For something more to come out of it?” She nodded tilting her head trying to get a read on him, his body language was neutral, “That’s an unknown we don’t need to focus on.” She narrowed her eyes ever so slightly. “Are you wanting something more to come from it?”

No, “At least a friendship or something that can make it easier to put on a show for everyone else.” 

“What did my brother say to you?”

“He finds it a waste of time. Described it being a get in, get it done, and then wipe his hands clean of it. Very blunt.”

“You seemed to have had a good time with him when you came back,” his eyes looked to hers as if they were trying to read her thoughts.”

“Just was a change of pace. Being outside felt nice,” John cocked an eyebrow in disbelief, “Dude have you seen your brother? Tiny me isn’t going to try and say no to whatever he wants me to do.”

“But you can say no to me?”

“You make it easy to. Besides you don’t seem like the outdoor type anyway.” She had finished and moved to take her plate to the dishwasher.

“Is that something you would like to do?”

“On occasion. The woods here are really nice. Makes me think of home,” Cat stared out the window after putting the plate down. She looked down shaking the thoughts from her head, “I’m going to go to bed. Good night John.” She stopped in front of him, “I really am sorry about earlier. It was uncalled for.” She didn’t wait for a response before making her way to bed, her heavy eyes closing as soon as she hit the pillow. She needed time to think about which option was the better one, neither one being far from ideal. She was fine not having any kind of relationship with them but she would need help raising a kid and it seemed obvious which was the better pick for that. The public was another thing she didn’t want and John was a major face of Eden’s Gate, he made sure of it. Hopefully she would have some time to think it over.


	5. No Reason to Stay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is the chapter that is the heaviest so far. This one has the attempt. Please know your limits.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm doing like a double warning just in case here. I don't want you to traumatize yourself if you don't have too. Soon you will be able to skip over this one.

The next morning Catlina was woken with a start. A banging on the door and someone saying how they needed to be up right away. _Wait they?_ She turned over bleary eyed and saw John next to her in the bed. She groaned pulling the covers over her head, she kept forgetting this was his bed first. He was starting to wake pulling his shirt on as he made his way to the door. “Will you stop that banging!” He pulled the door open, “What was so important that you felt the need to wake me like that at this hour?” John hissed the words out glaring at the two men before him. 

The two men looked unphased, “The father has requested a meeting-“

John scoffed, turning to find some clothes, “That is no reason to bang on the door like that. Joseph can wait until I’m well and ready.”

“Not you sir,” John looked up at them confused. The one closest to the door nodded in Catlina’s direction, “Her. He requires you immediately.”

John looked between the men and Catlina, she had popped half of her face out from the blankets looking on. “Me?” Her heart started to race, her palms becoming numb. The men nodded. Cat looked to John, “Is there proper attire I should wear?” She got no response from anyone, extinguishing her hope to focus on something other than the mounting anxiety and fear. She didn’t want to go, she knew what it was about. If the sinking feeling in her gut was right she shouldn’t be alone in going. She sat up in bed holding the sheets to her chest, she looked at the men head on, “Can John come along with me?” She looked to John, he wasn’t her first choice to have around to deal with her unstable emotions but beggars can’t be choosers. 

John stood straighter as the two men looked between themselves, finally one shrugged, “He just requested her at the meeting alone, there shouldn’t be anything wrong with him coming along for the drive.” 

“Only if you want to though, John,” she added on. She certainly didn’t want to force him into something he didn’t want to be a part of or even had the time for. 

John looked at her for a few seconds, Cat had to look away from his stare, “I’ll go. If the meeting is meant to be private then it should stay that way.”

“Of course,” Cat looked back to the men at the door, “Now if you don’t, uh mind,” she waved them away. They looked at her confused, standing there, she rolled her eyes, “I need to get ready and I’d rather not have an audience.” John helped her by shutting the door and locking it. “Don’t worry I won’t be long!” Cat called out as she got up from the bed grabbing the big t-shirt she wore pulling it over her head. “Thanks.”

“None needed. I am surprised though,” he was walking getting clothes to put on also, “Here I was thinking that you didn’t like me.”

“It’s still on the table,” she mumbled to herself as she looked for something easy to slip on that wasn’t a dress. “I’m indifferent about you at the current moment.” She managed to find some pants and a cleaner shirt before going to the bathroom to make herself presentable, “Is there a second room here with a bed?”

“Yes, though not as comfortable.”

“Is it okay I take that room,” she quickly brushed her teeth, “I don’t want to be taking up your space, if there’s more to be had elsewhere.”

“You can if you want,” she left the bathroom letting him finish getting ready. “You’d be a lot more comfortable in here though. That bed is as hard as a rock.”

“Well if it is then I might come back, or you get me a new one.” She turned to the door, the men still standing there. “I’m ready to go.” They led her to a waiting car, she was shown to the back seat and the two sat in front, John sat to her left. Cat let her hair fall in her face as she looked down to her lap. She pinched and twisted the skin on her hands, tearing at her nails. She tried to focus on that ignoring the dread she felt in her chest. The silence in the car was deafening and she wanted nothing more than to break it. Cat looked up through her hair to the tattoo on John’s hand. The star with diamonds on the top of his hand caught her eye first, it was a typical tattoo that people would get as their first one, the diamonds had to mean something. Looking past it she noticed the smaller ones on his hand, specifically the seven lines on the side just below the pinky. She couldn’t make out the others that were on his fingers but there was a lot of imagery on his arms. 

She saw John turn to her and she quickly averted her eyes, “There’s no need to be nervous. My brother isn’t that scary you know.” _Depends on which side you’re on._ “It probably has to do with the latest plan from God.” She swore she heard a touch of sarcasm in his voice. 

“You mean the marriage or the part where I have to be the mother to your next messiah?”

“Are they not one and the same?”

She shrugged, “Seems a little archaic don’t you think? A woman being reduced to a vessel before being tossed aside once her job is done.”

“No one is saying that you’ll be tossed aside once you have the kid.”

“Right,” she looked up ahead to the head rest, “You need someone to do all the work while the rest of you get to pat yourselves on the back for having fulfilled God’s plan.” She glanced at John, “Do you even like this plan of your lord and savior?”

“That’s irrelevant to think about.” Cat stopped talking after that as she started to see the fence surrounding the compound of Eden’s Gate. 

Cat shifted in her seat, her heartbeat pounding in her ears, she pressed her thumb nail into the inner part of her wrist. The scratching and pressure brought small bursts of pain doing little to calm her nerves. They approached the front of the church, Cat could already see Joseph there in a grey button up and black pants. His hair still pulled back into a bun with yellow aviators shielding his eyes. Cat took a deep breath as she stepped out of the car, her legs feeling shaky beneath her. 

She had to be ready and strong for whatever it is he had to say to her. He told her that he would find the proof that she was alone up here, she just hoped that he didn’t find anything. John stepped out of the car walking to his brother, she followed after him, “John, what are you doing here?” His voice was too calm…too soothing sounding for Cat’s liking, it made her uneasy.

Cat noticed John’s body start to stiffen, “I asked him to come,” she moved a half step in front of John, “I know it’s a private meeting but I wanted someone I knew to accompany me. It’s my fault sir.”

Joseph watched her with steady eyes before moving to John, “Fine by me. Just stay out here brother. I’ll bring her back soon enough.” Joseph extended an arm to Cat as she stepped forward. She moved away when he tried to put his arm around entering the church. “It seems you’ve made your preference clear.”

“What do you mean?” She crossed her arms when the words processed in her mind, “It’s coincidence really. If I was with Jacob or even Faith I would still ask for them to come with me if they wanted too.”

“Hopefully the answer will become clear to you soon. I hope that our talk will help in that process.” Her stomach sank as he spoke. She was led to the back room of the chapel where there was a small table with a file on it and two chairs. “Please sit,” he offered as he pulled one of the chairs out for her. Cat sat down pulling the chair into place herself, not taking her eyes of Joseph as he sat across from her. Being close to the file Cat felt sick, he found something. “You know what I want to discuss with you don’t you?”

Cat nodded, “You told me you would find proof of him being gone,” she crossed her legs trying to stop the bouncing that came with the anticipation. She pointed to the file, “I assume this is the proof? May I?” He nodded and she reached for it. Her fingers were placed to open it but they stopped, there was part of her that didn’t want to see it. She _had_ to though. Inhaling she steeled herself as she flipped it open, the first being a picture of the car. 

The driver’s side was more mangled then the passenger side, there was more blood and broken glass where his head would have been. The front of the car invaded the space near the pedals, broken legs and knees had to have happened. Cat could feel the flashes of the memories in the back of her mind, she quickly flipped to the next picture trying to quiet them. It was of the ground leading away from the car, a trail of blood coming from it covering the greenery beneath. Cat’s chest started to ache the more she looked, she tried hard to hold back from even tearing up before going to the third picture. There she saw his face, his messy black hair clumped in some places with what she could only assume was blood, his skin taking on a parlor that she recognized. There were plenty of cuts and some bruises on his face but she could tell it was him she would know his face anywhere. 

Her heart stopped, time seemed to stop as she looked at the picture, the horror sinking in. She brought a hand up to her mouth, “No,” she whispered, “No. No.” This had to be false, there was no way that it could be true. Her husband couldn’t have been dead, there was no way. He was probably just in a coma someone got their facts mixed up. She saw a piece of the picture underneath, it was a landscape view of what looked like a hospital. She picked it up gingerly feeling the tears start to fall. It wasn’t a hospital, she couldn’t tell where it was, but there was Theo lying on a makeshift operating table. There were people surrounding him holding various tools that you would expect to be used to save a person’s life. 

There was a breaking in her heart as she caught sight of the monitor in the background, the line was flattening. “I need adrenaline! Someone get me adrenaline!” It was a voice she didn’t recognize as she looked up to Joseph holding up a tablet with a video playing. It was in the same place as the picture but closer. The camera was shaky as it looked at the people working on Theo. “Here start CPR while I go and find that damn adrenaline.” She could hear the monitor’s extended beep as the man she assumed to be the doctor left from the shot and a woman started compressions, Catlina didn’t care about the faces just Theo’s. It was weird watching it as a movie, her heart started to break as she watched helpless to do anything. “Move out of the way!” The man came back on the screen and stabbed a needle in Theo’s chest, “Get those paddles ready!” She heard the charge from the paddles, “Clear!” Hands moved away as she saw the shock go through Theo’s body. Catlina was praying, begging, for him to wake up as she watched them try it a second, third, and finally a fourth time. There was still no response from Theo’s body. 

“Please wake up, please,” Cat’s voice was nothing more than a whisper, she started to choke back the tears knowing how this story was going to end. 

There was a sigh from the man in the video, “I’m gonna call it guys. I don’t think he’s coming back.” There were people starting to clean up as one person pushed through, “You can’t” his shouts were cracked and ragged, “You can’t give up now! Please!” Cat couldn’t make out his face as the tears really started to fall. She could tell the person started to perform his own CPR. The person with the camera started to come up but was stopped by the doctor, “Let’s give him some time alone.” The video cut out after that.

Catlina swallowed back more tears as she looked to Joseph, his face and demeanor still calm. “I told you he was gone. Is there any more proof needed than what you just saw?” Cat felt her lip trembling, her arms tingling, she didn’t give him a response. He was right there was no other proof needed. Her husband, her love, her whole heart, was dead. He was dead and she didn’t even get a chance to say goodbye. 

“Why,” she stammered, “Why me?” She felt every part of her become heavy, she wanted to sink into the floor and disappear. “This- This won’t mean I’ll just do whatever you tell me to do.” It was the briefest of embers to still be within her. 

“You may not have a choice,” he pulled out another picture from the file, “I told you God has a plan for you and it’s my job to make sure it goes as such.” Placing the photo in front of her she saw Jax and his brothers, Trey and Darren. She inhaled sharply her heart racing, Jax must have been the one at the end of the video. “You know these men don’t you?” She didn’t say anything, “They sure knew your husband. I heard they held a nice service for him while you were here healing.”

“What do you want?”

“The same thing I want for everyone else, to join us and be free, to walk the path to salvation,” he sighed as he looked over the picture himself, “Unfortunately that path isn’t the easiest one to take, but I also can see how lonely you are here. I know where they are, I can bring them here to you. You can all be together, _after_ they go through the process, one that not everyone makes it through sadly.”

“Won’t I have to go through it also?”

“Not the extent that we have others go through it. You were chosen so your path will be easier to walk, so long as you stay on it. Your friends though, well they have to prove their faith and from it looks like they won’t make it easy.” 

Her fear over took her as she heard the implication in his voice, they would die. She would be left all alone in this with no one to turn too. “You can’t. You have to leave them alone please,” she was near sobbing now her voice wavering, “You don’t need to force them. Please don’t bring them here. I can find peace with you.”

He put his arms around her as she shook, “As you wish. Hopefully they come to us before judgement day.” He pulled away pulling out a chain from his pocket, “I believe this belongs to you now.” He held the simple gold chain that held a silver tungsten ring, the engraving inside of it reading “In Brightest Day, In Blackest Night”. Theo’s wedding ring. Her chest felt hollow as she reached for it. Joseph dropped it into her hand, “I’ll give you a minute alone.” He took his leave from the room, the door closing opening up her wall of emotions. 

She let out a scream of pain as she closed her palm around the cold ring, everything hitting her in how real this was. She fell to the floor sobs wracking her body, “No, no, no, no! God how could I have been so stupid! This is my fault!” She looked to the metal in her hand, “I’m so sorry. I should have been the one to die, it was my stupid idea that brought us down the road here.” She couldn’t bring herself up from the floor as she just cried. There was nothing else she could do. If she fought she risked more lives being taken because of her. If she played along then she could never feel free. “This is all my fault,” she whispered to herself, “Theo is dead and it’s all your fault. You stupid, stupid girl.”

She was still kneeling clutching to her chest crying silently when Catlina heard the door open again. She didn’t bother to look up or fight as two men lifted her to her feet. She didn’t need much prompting to walk, why fight them? As she got in the car silently she knew Joseph’s threat was real, he knew where her friends were and he could easily have them killed, the ring alone was proof enough. _He’s dead and it’s my fault._ It was the only thing she could keep thinking. Over and over again it repeated, well until they returned to the ranch. She barely managed to give a thank you to John for accompanying her there. She walked past the room she had been sleeping in and to the other room to be alone. 

She didn’t even sleep, she just lied there staring at the wall. She slowly felt all emotion and life drain from her, only the voices repeating how everything was her fault, how alone she was, how worthless she was, how much life just felt wrong. It was taking up all the space in her mind. She had stopped crying at some point, by then though she felt like nothing more than a shell. The few sensations in her body were begging for pain, a release, anything to make it all stop. It didn’t matter how much she tried to rationalize or argue against the thoughts, she couldn’t win. She could feel how much of a losing battle this was, she had been here before. This time though it seemed like it was having an easier time taking over, taking hold of her mind. The voices, that darkness, the lack of _life_.

_Then you just have one option left_. Killing herself could solve almost everything. She wouldn’t be forced into a marriage, her friends could be safer for it, she wouldn’t have to worry about bringing a kid into this mess, and best of all she could be with her husband again. It was a very tempting thought, _You don’t have to go through with it. Just hold on and see what happens_. 

Cat sat up in the bed, “I can just hold on. I may not even jump.” She put the chain around her neck standing up. There was one window in the room and looking down it looked easy enough to climb out of. It was starting to get dark and a little cold as she climbed down to the crates below. She didn’t even have proper shoes on as she walked towards the bridge above the Hebane, which was fine as she didn’t feel the sharp rocks beneath her. No one stopped her or even looked her way, she felt like a ghost in the night. She was walking on autopilot the whole way there, her body having remembered how to get there when she couldn’t. 

There were goosebumps on her skin as she made it to the bridge, her only protection for the elements the jeans and shirt she had since meeting with Joseph. The wind was blowing strands of her hair in her face as she stood in the middle of the bridge. _This is it. The one thing I won’t let them decide for me_. She climbed over the railing and looked down to the water below her. It looked so calm from up here, but she knew there would be an undertow that would easily keep her under. She held onto the side wondering if and when she would let go. She just wanted the hollowness to be gone and the pain to never return. “This is all your fault.” She repeated with the wind as she heard a car pull up behind her. She could see her shadow above the water now, whoever it was gave her a spotlight. 

“Stop! Don’t do this,” it was surprising to her that it was John behind her. She felt his hand grab her arm and she slowly turned around to face him. “Come back with me. Maybe we can figure something out that you need.” 

She placed her hands on his upper arms looking him in the eye, “Oh John, I’m not going to let you or your god take this from me too,” as soon as the last syllable was out of her mouth she pushed him back towards the car. The force caused her to fall backwards off the bridge, exactly as she wanted. She saw John try to grab her as she soon became out of arm’s reach. As she fell she felt free, light, this is what she needed. There was a fleeting feeling of regret that was quieted as she heard the voice tell her that this was for the better. 

Time felt like it slowed down for just a few seconds so she could take in the scene above her as people scrambled to get down to the bottom. She looked straight ahead and saw the moon with stars surrounding it. “I’m coming my love.” She whispered as she felt the cold water against her back. It hurt and she felt like her head hit a rock as she fell below the water. The impact had her close her eyes as she felt her lungs fill with water. _This was it_ , she thought, _It will all be over soon._

John gripped the side of the bridge as he looked down to the motorboat that came from the north stopping where he saw her fall into the water. He had her and he still let go, “Are you incompetent?!” He yelled to the men around him, “Go down there and help Jacob get her!” John pushed away from the side seeing Jacob jump into the water after her. John hit the roof of one of the trucks before making his way down to the shoreline. _Why would she do something like this? Doesn’t she know how this reflects on me?_

He was almost to the bottom by the time Jacob came up from the water with her on his shoulder. John held his breath as Jacob, out of breath, made it to solid ground. She was placed gently on the grass before Jacob leaned down to see if he could hear either a heartbeat or breathing. Jacob’s jaw clenched as he turned her head to the side and went to work pushing down on her chest his right hand over his left with the fingers laced together. Jacob had started the mouth to mouth by the time John made it to them. 

John looked to his brother watching as Jacob counted before taking the time to observe what he was doing just in case he needed to perform the same movements. “Get something ready to get her back up to the cars,” no one moved right away looking at the two brothers, “Now!” John shouted which got them all moving. Getting on his knees he looked between the young woman and Jacob, “What do you need me to do?”

“Keep them busy, I’ve done this more times than I can count,” his voice was short and annoyed at being interrupted. John couldn’t help his mind thinking how upset Joseph was going to be with him if she died. He would be blamed for not doing his job, his fault that he could keep her calm and happy. It was hard to do that though when she seemed so uninterested in him at times. It was like she wanted nothing to do with him unless it seemed necessary. It was made more frustrating to him that she seemed so guarded with him but being around Jacob she was open. Not like he wanted to have this marriage happen in the first place but it looked like she was going to be placed with him. “Come on!” Jacob growled as he got a bit harder with his compressions. 

“When do we stop? When do we decide that she’s dead?”

“I’ll decide that,” Jacob gave her two breaths before turning her head back to the side, “Check the back of her head see if there’s any damage you can feel.” John nodded as he pushed her hair to the side feeling for any bumps or cuts. He kept checking his hands for any dark colors to indicate blood. Nothing came back and nothing felt too a miss.

“Nothing I can find,” John looked down when he heard the start of coughing, “Jacob!” The brothers looked down as she coughed up more water. Jacob turned her whole body to the side to let more water out. Soon she stopped coughing and was gasping for air, her eyes never opened though. 

Jacob looked and felt the back of her head, he sighed, “There’s a bit of a bump but nothing too serious.” The two of them exhaled as they laid her back down, “We got lucky.” John stayed quiet seeing the men bring down a stretcher.

“We should go the long way back up, don’t want to risk dropping her trying to go the short way.” Jacob nodded and took one end of the stretcher after strapping her in. John could hear a few groans from her and murmurs. He couldn’t help but feel some sympathy for her, it wasn’t like the thought hadn’t passed through his mind before. With all the psychological torture from his “parents” he had always felt like he was worth nothing. There were days when he was addicted to a party life that he hoped it would be his last. He never could go through with it himself, which was for the better seeing as he would be reunited with his brothers. Was being here that bad or was it just the final straw for her? 

She was loaded into the bed of one of the trucks, John taking the initiative to sit in the back with her while Jacob drove them back to the ranch. John reached through the back window for a blanket to place over her hoping to stop the shivering he saw. “Don’t worry we’ll make sure you’ll be saved from whatever is inside of you. Whatever plagues your mind,” he didn’t know how comforting that sounded. He doubted it since the words came from him and not his brother. He shouldn’t want her approval so much, or even care about her attention but there was something just…there. Something about her that made him feel…it didn’t matter she could care less about him it seemed. They hit a bump in the road causing them both to lift an inch from the bed, “Be careful, Jacob.”

John looked down to make sure she was okay, catching something glinting in the moonlight around her neck. John reached for it, getting a better look at it. It was a simple silver ring with engraving he couldn’t make out in this little light. He didn’t have time to study it or even ponder it’s implications before they were back home, Joseph there awaiting their arrival. John let a breath out through his nose as he jumped out of the back. 

“What happened?” Joseph asked calmly, looking between the two brothers.

“What does it look like,” John stated, “She jumped off the bridge.”

“That doesn’t make sense since you’re supposed to be keeping her as at peace as possible. Showing her the path, John.”

“She’s not making it easy Joseph,” he crossed his arms, “Are you sure she’s meant to be here?” John looked up to his brother definitely demanding an answer.

“She is. She has a purpose here,” Joseph placed a hand on John’s shoulder, “It will be more than what has been said already. Just trust in the lord and follow the path he has laid out for you.” John let himself be pulled so his forehead could meet his brother’s, “Don’t be afraid to take further measures to keep her happy here.” It was whispered and the meaning was clear to John. 

“Yes Joseph,” John watched as his brothers left him alone in the night. John released her from the straps carrying her into the master bedroom. Joseph said she has a purpose here, one that went beyond what she had called a vessel. Was it simply to find her salvation or help others find it? “You have a pretty face, and there’s a warmth you have surrounding you. I can feel it which means others can, will you help to bring about more stubborn wayward souls?” There was no response from her, though he noticed that her breathing stayed even. John sighed shaking his head, “If only he wasn’t so cryptic I could lead you to where you needed to be.” 

When he finally made it to the room he let one of the female members change her out of her wet clothing, letting her at least have her dignity. “I’m not going to let you or your god take this from me,” those would have been her last words and he couldn’t understand the meaning behind them. When she was safely under the sheets he let himself back into the room, opening the drawer on his nightstand. He pulled out a vial of light green powder pouring no more than a small pinch of it in his hand, “I’m sorry it has to be this way.” He moved her face to face his before blowing the powder towards her, “It’ll be better this way. Trust me.” John knew she was going to need more in the morning and as needed but that was something to think about later. In the meantime someone was going to have to keep an eye on her and it might as well have been him taking the first shift.


	6. Half-Truths

The light streaming into the room hit Catlina’s eyes as she slowly opened them. There was a bright light before they adjusted to take in the master bedroom. The walls a polished light pine wood and vaulted ceiling. Logs crossing over her appearing golden against the black iron light fixtures hanging between the rafters. The bed sheets, white and pristine, rumpled on the wooden bed frame that didn’t have the same golden hue as the rest of the wood around her. There was a moment where she thought she had just dreamed the whole thing. She was never brought to Eden’s Gate, she never lost Theo...she was simply in the cabin like was originally planned. 

Her eyes strayed to take in the details of the room; books stacked on the nightstand next to her, the dresser in front of her the same color as the bed, a candle unlit sitting on the top next to a few trinkets that didn’t seem to matter once her eyes took in the framed image above it. The cross symbol of Eden’s Gate hanging on the wall, the glaring jolt to reality. The stark reminder of the memories of the previous night; The bridge. The pain and hollowness in her chest. John. “I’m not going to let you or your god take this from me too.” The feeling of being free. Cold water against her skin. The contentment as it seemed to all work out. How she was so close to winning, to feeling that real release she had craved. 

Worthless memories now. 

She wanted to scream, as she felt the tears well up in her eyes. Frustration brewing as she felt the tickle on her arms like something needed out. 

_ Click, _ the soft sound had her bolting up in bed. Her jaw clenched as she saw it swing open, John following behind it. She tried to read his face, figure out what he was thinking, how he felt. It was a blank slate despite the sympathetic smile he projected. She wished he would just stop it already, she hated how much he tried to act like this whole thing was okay. Or just something that didn’t matter. It had to matter to him, there was no doubt about it. She just wanted to know what. She brought her knees to her chest hugging them tightly staring him down. 

“You’re up,” he walked to her side of the bed, sitting in front of her, his chest angled to face her. The scarred word SLOTH crossed out enraging her for the sole fact that it was a part of him, “Can I get you something to eat?” She didn’t say anything, just looked at him, studying his features for  _ any _ telling signs to his thoughts. She just felt angry at him, she was here because of him. A slight jaw clench before he spoke to her again, “You have to eat something. I’ve hardly seen you eat a thing in your time here.”

She didn’t want to eat, she stayed quiet. Her eyes not leaving him, she dared not look away, she was going to find something, maybe something she could use. It was a few minutes of silence before John exhaled, a slight nostril flare, as he stood from the bed quickly. The movement made her flinch and she felt the pang of a similar memory. Her mom walking away from a sterile bed, emotions churning in Cat’s heart. He made his way to the door calling for someone, she assumed he asked for food to be brought, taking the decision out of her hands. “I’m not a child. I can decide when I want to eat,” sharp and bitter. She looked up to John as he made his way back to her. 

“You gave up that privilege when something in you deteriorated to a point that you tried to throw yourself off a bridge.” She could hear the underlying anger in his voice.

_ You lost that privilege with you deciding to become dramatic.  _ “I wouldn’t have been your problem anymore if you just left me there.”

“I couldn’t do that,”  _ You’re stronger than this. You have your whole life ahead of you.  _ “You have a purpose here.” Her heart felt like it was confining something and whatever it was wanted to come out.

“I don’t see it really. Especially if I have to suffer for it.”  _ Let’s stop here to get something to eat.  _

“What’s making you feel like you’re suffering?”  _ Your life hasn’t been terrible. People have it worse.  _ Cat thought she could hear some real curiosity and sincerity in his voice.

There was a knock on the door before she could reply.  _ It was your fault. You stupid girl.  _ John got up to answer it.  _ There is no reason for you to react this way. You’re being ungrateful!  _ John set the plate in front of her, “I’m not hungry.”  _ You have to walk the path.  _ John handed her a piece of the toast-she started to rock back and forth just the slightest-in an attempt to encourage her to eat.  _ She can be of use to us.  _ She slapped it out of his hand, “Stop!” She could feel her blood boil, it ran to her cheeks as she felt a few tears form in her eyes. “I’m not a child,” her teeth ground together, she paused. Her hands were shaking even while being fists, her knuckles white. She took a few deep breaths trying to calm herself, “and I’m not stupid,” the tears that escaped were cool against her flaming cheeks.

John’s eyes stayed level with hers before she looked down, “I know you’re not,” his voice sounded as calm as his brother’s.  _ I won’t join you. You may not have a choice.  _ The fire in her chest was beating against its cage harder now. The memories were so loud,  _ I don’t know what I did to deserve this.  _ Her heart started to beat louder,  _ I was a good mother. I’m going to call it.  _ She wanted to cover her ears, her eyes shut tightly. _ You will serve the purpose God has given to you.  _ “What happened?” Her jaw clenched as she gripped her upper arms.  _ I don’t know who you are anymore.  _ Her nails dug into her flesh the pain being the only thread attaching her to earth.  _ This was all your fault. You killed him. You lied. You broke your vow. It’s your fault he’s dead! _

_ “Stop! Stop! Shut up! Shut up!  _ Shut up! _ ”  _ She screamed against them as it felt like she was being swallowed.

“I have no choice!” Her eyes opened, her breathing ragged, her mind still and quiet. Her eyes found John’s as he sat in front of her seeming to have leaned back an inch or two. She didn’t mean to scream it at him. She felt her nails still digging into her skin as she tried to bring herself back to what was really around her. She let the tears fall freely and silently, “Ever since I’ve been here I have been told what I’m going to do. Everyone keeps taking away any decision I’ve made, you included,” her voice cracked with the realization, “I told you I wasn’t going to let you take away my choice in my life ending but you  _ still did. _ ” The box broke open but it wasn’t the anger that escaped first. It was the pain, “Any little thing I can make a decision about,” she closed her eyes catching her breath, “it’s- it feels worthless if in the end I’m forced into a life I didn’t choose. One that’s been thrusted upon me.” 

“Look I understand how it feels but-“

She glared at him a near snarl on her lips, “Do you? Do you really actually understand?” The anger took it’s stand, “Because from where I’m standing it looks like you could give less of a shit of having no choice in this either,” she looked him up and down, “If you actually want this then just tell me. There’s no need to hide any of that. At least your brothers can be honest with me.”

“I have been honest. It’s not my fault you can’t see that.” His chest puffed out, the veil getting thinner with his anger.

“Half truths don’t count as honesty,” she said matter of factly, “especially when it has to do with something this big. I’m sure I was the last person you would have wanted to be married to,” she looked back down to the plate of food, “It’s okay to tell me. The more I know the better this whole thing can be navigated.” She shut her mouth hoping he would start talking. She started to feel tired, her emotions stabilizing.

“I don’t want this either,” he turned facing the wall to her right, “I’m only doing this to appease my brother and the plan that was given to us.” She thought she could see the hint of an eye roll, “We all have our paths to reach the new Eden when the collapse comes and this must be where mine goes.” He exhaled, hanging his head scoffing before he spoke, “When I say that I understand not having a choice, I do, or I can at least sympathize with you. If I want to be safe, stay with my  _ family _ , then I have to accept what is given to me, even if I don’t like it.”

Cat loosened her arms around her knees, her left hand holding on to her right wrist resting her chin on them. It seemed they were both bound to this by some notion of safety and familial obligation. She sighed feeling the tension in her body release, if they both weren’t happy with it then it was time to make the best out of it, “When we both have more level heads we should figure out how we want this to look and navigate the public eye you love so much.” She gave a half laugh letting her legs go and moved the plate closer to her, “I’m sorry you have to feel as stuck as I do,” he looked to her as she said it, “this whole situation just kind of sucks doesn’t it,” she gave a small smile hoping he would return it. It wasn’t. This whole thing was just a mess, she should have fought harder that first day in the church...“Can I ask you about something else?”

He shrugged, “I don’t see why not.” His voice was still cold and he didn’t turn to look at her.

She cleared her throat sitting a little straighter, “The first day I was awake, you, or well someone, handed me a water bottle and it put me to sleep.” John shifted turning towards her a few inches, “I don’t think it was pain medication, was it?” There was no response as she pressed on, “What was it?”

He sighed pulling out a small vial from his pocket, handing it to her, “It’s called Bliss. Many take it within Eden’s Gate,” Cat took it from him looking over the light green almost white powder, “It’s a drug of many uses. It can cause hallucinations but we mostly use it to help people become free of their past, accept the will of the Father by connecting them with their faith better, and even help some that come to us with addictions.”

“So it’s a mind altering kind of drug,” she looked up for confirmation, John nodded. “What do you mean when you say helps people be free? Like does it just take away the negative emotions?” Turning it over she thought back on her time here, the tumultuous emotions, the despair, the suicide attempt, the hollow feeling and the feeling of feeling everything and nothing all at once. She missed having a normal level of feelings.

“I guess you could say that.”

“Do you take it?”

“Not very often. It’s rare. Take it too much of it and well there are negative consequences like any drug out there.”

“How addictive is it?”

“It depends on the person. Some are I think but there are plenty of people that aren’t,” he looked at her curiously, “Why do you want to know?”

She was unsure if she was ever going to have her medication again and if she was going to be stuck here she would try to make the best of it. Part of that was not being her depressed unmedicated self the entire time, she was sure whatever hormones that would come with pregnancy would play a role in her mental state too. She had to be prepared for whatever she could be. “Just curious. Why give it to me?”

“Try to keep you calm. You did sort of freak out after the service.”  _ Calm, that’s what I need.  _ “If you don’t want to take it you don’t have to.”

“Have you given it to me since?”

“Does it matter if I have?”

She looked at him bewildered, “Uh, yeah. It kind of does.”

“It wasn’t my idea, but an order. To keep you calm, so that you can find the path.” 

She rolled her eyes, “John,” she warned, “Be honest with me.”

“Just last night. It was requested that I try harder to follow what my brother said.” He sighed, “I just went to the one thing I know for sure would allow me to follow that order.”

It made sense to jump to that conclusion. He was no doctor and it was the easiest route and he seemed like someone who didn’t have a ton of patience. If she was being honest she would have done the same thing, especially if it seemed like the person was in pain. “Is this the first time you’ve given it to me consciously?”

“I placed some in the food this morning.”

She studied his face, there wasn’t anything saying that he was lying to her. Or she just wanted to believe whatever he said, “Thank you for being honest with me.” She sighed giving the vial back to him, “If you want to or have to give me some you can,” she pulled it away quickly before his hand could touch it, “Just only give me a small amount. I don’t want to be hallucinating and living in a haze 24/7. Deal?” She held out a pinky.

He gave a half smile at the gesture, before wrapping his tattooed one around hers, “Deal.” She gave the vial back and finally took to eating the food that he had brought. It seemed almost instantaneous with how she felt her mood change. Part of it was that she actually had food in her, but there was more from the new drug. She could feel how floaty she was, almost leaving her body, by the time she was done she couldn’t help but smile. It may have been too much of a dose this time around. John stood up holding a hand out to her, “Let’s get some fresh air. I hear the sun can do wonders for a person’s mood.”

She took it standing noticing the sharpness of the colors, “I should get ready first. Just give me ten minutes.” She made it half way to the bathroom before stopping turning to him, “I should apologize for yelling at you earlier. Whether it was justified or not doesn’t matter, I’m sure it hurt you. I’ll try to keep my emotions in check next time, or guess it would be better to say there won’t be a next time,” she shook her head clear, “Either way. I’m sorry, John.” She didn’t hear him say anything as she turned back to get ready for the day. By the time they went outside the full force of the Bliss was coursing through her body. I was definitely too much but she didn’t care, might as well enjoy it while she had it. 

The woods and sky were so bright everything seemed to sparkle. The sun felt perfect, as it warmed and tanned her exposed skin. The air never felt crisper entering her lungs. The hole in her chest wasn’t hurting so much right now. She felt lighter than air and she took to holding John’s hand so she didn’t float away. Her light blue sundress flowed as the breeze passed them by. Life felt so beautiful. How could she ever have felt like this place was her doom? She was wrong, she did like it here. She could even grow to love it.

“What did you like to do growing up?” Cat asked him as she stopped for what was about the fifth time to pick up what looked like shiny mica. It wasn’t.

“What do you mean?” She saw him lean against a tree as she looked for other things catching her eyes. The pink daisy-like flowers that sat next to what she recognized as she and her sisters would call Indian Paintbrushes. 

“Like did you do sports, debate team, oh wait!” The grass brushed her ankles giving her a slight scare, “You’re older than me by...uh,” she counted on her fingers, “six years so that means you got to grow up with some video games as they came out right?” She tried to gauge what he would have played, “I bet you were a Mortal Kombat player in the arcades. Had to be rebellious against mommy and daddy.” She caught sight of some milky quartz and bent down to dig the small rocks out. 

“Firstly six years is not that big of a difference.” She held up one of the cube-like rocks to the sky shrugging off his comment. “Secondly, no mom and dad for me. Joseph and Jacob took care of me, they’re my family.” She picked one of the red paintbrushes and made her way back to him, placing the three quartz pieces in his pockets. “I didn’t really participate much in anything with school.”

“Well then what about as you got older? I’m sure you did more than just sit around all day.” She started walking again looking for more flowers or plants to go with her red flower, “I guess better phrasing is: what are your hobbies, what did you like to  _ do. _ ” He just had to make this hard for her didn’t he?

His footsteps matched hers and seemed quieter than hers, “I liked to throw a lot of parties if that’s a hobby.”

“With eyes like yours I’m sure it was easy,” she looked at him giving him a half smile, “So were you one of those kids that had like a super religious background so when you were finally on your own you just went buck wild cause you never learned restraint?”

He looked at her like she was crazy, “Where do you get that idea?” She saw some white star shaped flowers that smelled what she thought honeysuckle would smell like. 

“Oh, well, there are  _ a lot _ of people that do that.” She picked a few along with some bell flowers a few feet away, “I saw a few in college and man do they go hard core.” She looked ahead feeling the softness of a petal of one of the flowers she had picked, her voice becoming melancholy, “It is sad to see it though. They can get dangerous with themselves and well the ones that never stop either end up dying or spending the rest of their lives trying to hide the pain from themselves any way they can.” She grabbed a few strands of long grass, the feel of them like the buffalo grass her grandparents had, as she walked in stride with John. 

It was silent between them for a while, “Were you like that?” John asked, having put his hands in his pockets as they walked.

“Me?” She shook her head, “No. Far from it. I was never one for parties, I wasn’t the cool person in school...or life really.” She wrapped one of the grass strands on the stems of flowers.

“Sounds like there’s some pain there,” she caught him looking at her like he caught her in a web, “Did you ever do anything to hide the pain from yourself?”

“Good question. Did  _ you  _ have a way to mask the pain Mr. John?” She tied off the grass having created a little bouquet, or maybe it was more of a boutineer, “Throwing parties as a hobby is mostly for rich housewives, which doesn’t seem like you.” She looked at him with a playful smile on her lips. It quickly faded as she observed his lack of positive emotion, “Sorry. I didn’t mean for it to sound bad.” She stopped to face him putting the bundle she held in his shirt pocket, “I should know by now that people who ask things like that mostly want validation.”

“I don’t need validation.” He grabbed her hands, putting them back down to her sides, “I am free of that pain.”

She searched his eyes with sympathy, “No, not really. Pain doesn’t leave.” She looked down to his hands turning the left one over to see the words on them, “It transforms. It becomes a kind of motivation for your person in the future.” She dropped his hand and shrugged, “But what do I know? I was only ungrateful for my pain free life.” She heard the bitter tone in her voice as the last sentence left her lips.

She turned walking towards whatever destination they would find, John following behind her, “You never answered my question.” 

“Seems like a bit of a downer of a question don’t you think? Especially when the afternoon is so bright,” she countered, holding her arms out, hoping to change the subject. “Besides it’s not like you  _ really  _ care about the answer.”

“And what if I do?” She side eyed him with a smirk, “You know it doesn’t seem fair that I should bear my soul when you won’t do the same.”

“So that little stop was you bearing your soul?” He didn’t respond, “Never one for full truths are you?” She sighed, “To answer your question though, I did.” It was a statement leaving no room for explanation. “I asked second, so yes or no did you do something to mask the pain?”

He looked ahead pensive, “Yes.”

“Then we have at least one small thing in common. We both have had bad ways of masking the pain we felt.” There was a silence between them for a while, both lost in their heads. The sounds of birds and rushing water became music to Catlina’s ears as she brought herself back to the woods they were in. She was feeling good and didn’t want to lose that, Cat wanted to change the subject. 

“Okay here’s a random question; How come it seems like out of your siblings you seem to have more concern about your appearance? And don’t say it’s ‘cause you’re the face people see. Everyone sees plenty of their faces too.” 

John’s smile returned, “You’re right that is a random question. If I have to answer it’s because it was a high priority in our house.”

She tilted her head confused, “If it was a high priority then why the lack of care on their end?” He briefly looked like he was caught in a lie. “Unless it was where you grew up. Where was that exactly?”

“Rome.”

“Not Italy I assume.”

“Georgia,” his eyes darkened at the memories that were most likely passing through.

“I thought I heard an accent!” It was overly cheery; she just didn’t want to lose him to his thoughts, “Well hidden. You know I had a friend grow up there, I think she lived in Rome too, but only for college.”

“Did she now? What did she go to school for? Not very many colleges out there.” He asked as his body relaxed, having another person to take the attention from him.

“Music, she’s a great sax player! You know you ever come visit me back home I’ll see if we can see her perform.” She felt another tangent starting. She just wanted to shut up, she was tired of hearing herself talk at this point. “Did you go to school? I feel like you have based on the way you dress, probably had some decent job.”

“Lawyer, mostly did real estate though.” She looked down to the white flats she wore, kicking a rock, “Why the sad face? I thought women loved men with rich salaries?”

“Firstly, not all, though yes it plays a part in the attraction of a person, but that is a conversation for another time. Secondly, you picked real estate? I thought you were going to say you were some cool lawyer like on tv. Be like ADA Barba, he’s my favorite lawyer.”

“Do you just base your whole life on references to other things?”

She shrugged, “Not like I had many other life experiences to keep me occupied. I also sometimes can’t forget things and thinking about it now I probably developed this weird way of remembering things so I do nothing but make references so I don’t forget things.”

He looked ahead of him trying to piece together what all he was hearing from her. He honestly looked confused, “I will admit, I have talked to so many people and even people that are very inebriated don’t talk in so many circles in their conversations then you are right now.” 

“Is that good or bad?” He didn’t give her a response as he walked them to a little area by the water to rest. Cat took off her shoes and placed her feet in the cold clear water. She was looking over the sparkles across the water in the warm afternoon sun, “Tell me about your religion. About your god.”

“Does that really matter to you?”

She kicked up a little of the water, “I should know what I’d be helping you preach don’t you think?” She sat figuring this was going to be a long conversation and her legs were  _ tired. _

“Eden’s Gate is about preparing and creating a new way of life,” Cat looked up at him taking in his relaxing body as he fell into a role he knew all too well. “One that is free from the pain and cruelty that society has created.” He started to use his hands to talk, he was preaching. She found it a little sad that it was just her. “My brother has seen what is going to happen to the world. There will be a great collapse and much like Noah’s ark it will free the world of those that are not worthy of a life in His New Eden.” He squatted down so she wasn’t having to look up to him. “Those that are with us will be safe because they have been freed of their sins, chosen to take the path and too help us in our mission of saving as many as we can from the collapse.” John’s eyes met hers, a smile on his face, that seemed to falter the longer she stared back. 

She tilted her head biting her lip, “If this is like Noah’s ark then shouldn’t it just be you and your siblings? I don’t remember God telling Noah to save all the people he could, just his family and two of every animal.” 

He blinked, rolling his eyes, “I feel like you’re missing the point here.” He sat himself next to her just far enough back so his shoes didn’t touch the water.

She knitted her brows, “Not really. He was only allowed to take his family and didn’t seem to be given the option to save anyone else, or at least given the chance to try and save others.”

“He was righteous and the only one among the people. Everyone else was cruel and evil.”

“So are you sure it’s the same God? Why would he choose to be benevolent now, it’s almost impossible for people to be pure beings like it’s implied Noah was. God was always wrathful and cruel.”

“You doubt his mercy? When all that you have been through is merely a test of your faith,” Cat turned away from him clenching her jaw, “You have proven that you are worthy and can join us to salvation. It’s the reason you’re here now.”

“People shouldn’t have to suffer to find salvation,” she picked at the edge of her dress, “Suffering isn’t a test. It’s not something you pass or fail.” She took a breath through her nose, “I have had many people tell me that all my suffering has made me a stronger person, but I can’t help but wonder if I could have been just as strong without the amount of suffering. I know it’s a part of life but there comes a point where it’s too much.” Shaking her head she brought her knees up pulling the dress over them, “Too much to justify any purpose to it.”

A breeze blew by strands of Catlina’s hair to her eyes as she and John sat in silence. Looking ahead of her she was able to take in the river that showcased the trout as they jumped on occasion. The sun was high, very few shadows surrounded them, it was lunch time for the fish and there was no short supply of their meals. She waved a hand in front of her scattering the two buzzing UFOs. There wasn’t much that could be said as she stared out to the river in front of her. She counted the fish as they jumped through the air leaving little trace as to their activity. The purpose of suffering is to bring you to salvation,  _ what a load of crap. People should be brought to salvation because it is the right thing to do, everyone deserves a place free from harm and suffering before they have to suffer themselves. Salvation wasn’t something that should be earned, it was something that should be freely given _ . She rested her head against her knees facing John on her right, the thin green grass surrounded the two of them but not enough to hide his hand. 

She studied them closely, she didn’t get a chance to read the words written on them when she held his hand earlier. The writing was upside down but the letters were legible and she could see it was in a different language.  _ Luxuria, Gula, Avaritia, Tristitia, Ira, Invidia,  _ and  _ Superbia.  _ She furrowed her brows trying to figure them out, she should know them somehow, there were parts that were familiar. Avarice was the first thing to come to mind looking at the third word, greed. Sophomore English was where she first heard the word while reading  _ Dante’s Inferno  _ and her class had all agreed that Dante was a hypocrite.  It had to be Latin, she was sure of it. The seven deadly sins all in their native language , it paired nicely with the tally on his other hand. 

It wasn’t something that seemed common to get, “I’ve only seen one other person have the deadly sins on their body.” Her voice was quiet as she asked, not wanting to disturb the sounds around her. She didn’t look up, feeling the warm sun speeding up her need for a siesta much like the wildlife around them. “He was about nineteen, got one of his friend’s dad to do it on his inner wrist,” John shifted as she kept her eyes on the ground where his hand was. The grass stood back up slowly, “I asked him why he chose to have the reminder of the negative aspects of life right where he could see it all the time.” She took a deep breath, the smell of the algae coming in with the breeze, “He told me it was his way of taking back power. His guardian used to withhold food from him telling him he was too greedy with how much he ate all because he got two meals at the school. He was beaten after their guardian caught him with his girlfriend and then again when he was spotted waiting for the bus with kids from school. Guess he wasn’t allowed to have friends.”

“Get to your point,” there was a slight growl in his voice. Cat noticed how his shoulders started to stiffen.

“You were abused weren’t you?” Cat looked up to his eyes, “Made to believe that you were all those sins tattooed on your hand.” He looked away from her towards the opposite river bank, it was his turn to bring his knees up. He rested his forearms on them as she turned to face him crossing her legs beneath her. “I’m getting a bit close aren’t I?”

He sighed, hanging his head, “Not like it’s much of a secret around here.”

Cat started to reach a hand out towards him, she hesitated pulling back a little before finally placing it gently on his shoulder, “Do you want to talk about it?” She saw his eyes look to her, “You don’t have to if you don’t want to. I just. Well if it is no secret I’d rather hear your story from you,” she spoke softly, falling into the role she was most comfortable with.

He looked back up again, his eyes losing their light as he started, “Our father was burly and drunk always ranting to us about God and how to live a righteous life his way. Old man didn’t know how to live on himself according to Joseph and Jacob. I was still pretty young when we finally left there. I was still going to school and a teacher had called in to social services. Maybe I should have lied,” Cat looked at him with sympathy knowing regardless of him lying or not his teacher would have had to call by law. “The three of us were then sent to people who just wanted farm hands they didn’t have to pay. I don’t remember it being too bad but it was only a few months so maybe that’s why.” The farther he got into his story the more out of place his voice sounded. He was removing himself from it, she knew he wasn’t consciously aware of it. She moved closer to him watching how fast she moved and how she moved her hand to lightly rub his back. “Jacob set the whole place on fire, he killed the couple too. He was taken from Joseph and I because of it. Locked up until he joined the Marines.” It explained a lot of her interactions with Jacob. “Soon I was taken from Joseph to live with my parents,” he hissed and Cat brought her free hand to hold his left one giving a light squeeze. She was here for him, ready for what he had to say. “It was fine at first and then one day the beatings started. Over and over. Day after day. “ He narrowed his eyes, giving her hand a hard and strong grip. She saw the tightening of his jaw and the snarl on his lips. He was getting angry and she didn’t want to know what that looked like in its rawest form, yet.

Cat winced at the pain as he almost crushed her hand, “You can stop if you need to John,” she took her right hand and made sure it was at eye level before she gently turned his face towards her. “I can figure out the rest.” She wrapped both of her hands around his left, “There’s no need to for you to relive any more. You can come back, you’re safe.” Slowly she saw the light come back to his eyes and they seemed to focus back to the world around him. She gave a small sympathetic smile, “There you are,” she exhaled.

He rolled his shoulders shaking his head, “The past doesn’t matter anymore though. I have been born anew.” She nodded, as John glanced at his watch, “ We should probably start going back,” he was removing himself from her arms before she could protest or even say anything.

He groaned as he brought himself up to his feet, holding out his hand for her. She took it helping to lift herself up brushing the rocks and dirt that stuck to her legs. She slipped her shoes back on as John dusted off his pants. When he seemed to be finished Cat grabbed his hands, “John,” she waited until his eyes met hers before continuing, “I just want you to know that everything that happened to you...it wasn’t your fault.  _ None _ of that was your fault.” She kept her eyes level with his. She wanted him to know how sincere she was in her words, “I’m sorry that happened to you and your family. All of you deserved better,” she placed a hand on his cheek, “ _ You  _ deserved better.”

There was no response from him which was fine, she didn’t expect one. The sound of the running water and wind filled the void of total silence, until he separated himself from her touch. He turned to start walking back to the ranch.  _ No wonder he spoke in half-truths, there was more to him than he wanted anyone or even himself to know.  _ She thought as she watched him take a few steps before jogging to catch up. 


	7. The Cleansing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's time for Catlina to show her commitment to the Project.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always comments, feedback, and kudos are appreciated! Hope you enjoy!

The sun was starting to set by the time Catlina finally caught up with John. Having to double her speed the whole way back she was out of breath.  _ Stupid tall people and their stupid long legs. _ He had beaten her to the house and was talking to a slim dark haired woman dressed in a dingy grey sweater with the stylized cross of Eden’s Gate and jeans, by the time Cat approached. Curious, Catlina slowed down quieting her steps, ducking behind a big wooden crate, just to see what she could overhear, “Are you sure you don’t want to do all the cleansings yourself tonight, sir?” The woman asked with some annoyance.

“Yes I’m sure,” John’s words were short, his arms crossed over his broad chest, “She must be prepared so tomorrow can go as planned.”

“You shouldn’t have made such a big deal about her cleansing,” her voice annoyed, she moved closer, her voice quieting, “She doesn’t even believe in what we do here, what we’re trying to accomplish. She’s not worth the trouble,” Cat saw John’s face glowering at the woman as she spoke. “Did you ever stop to think that Joseph was wrong about her? That she’s only been brought about to destroy us.” She hissed her stance becoming more firm with each word.

It was all John needed to hear as a sneer came to his lips, “Is that  _ doubt _ I hear?” John asked her, his voice full of a venomous charm. She pulled back from John, all of her previous confidence gone, she shrunk down fearful, “You haven’t gone through atonement have you?” The woman started to stammer, ”No?” The smile he gave the woman was cold,  _ sly _ . It reminded Cat of a snake ready to strike, it sent a chill down her spine, “Pity. You had so much potential, but your doubt in the Father’s word shows that you may not be worthy of such a privilege.” The woman’s face paled her hands up as she took a step back, trying to stammer out an apology. Despite only being a few inches taller than the woman John’s form appeared to tower over her. Catlina felt sympathy and scared for the woman and she couldn’t stand by to watch any more. Catlina stepped forward making more sound than was necessary, shuffling her feet along the dirt and rocks, both John and the woman looking towards her approach. “I thought you already beat me inside?” John’s face and voice switched immediately to softer features once he recognized it was Cat.

“And cause harm to your ego?” Catlina chuckled as she placed herself purposefully in front of the woman shaking her head, “Besides you have at least twelve inches on me. The possibility of beating you is close to zero.” Catlina turned behind her smiling, “Oh I’m sorry. Did I interrupt something?” She looked between the woman and John, “No?” Cat waved the woman off, “Then you should go back to whatever it was you were meant to be doing,” Catlina put on her snottiest tone which she hated doing, she just hoped the woman could tell Cat was giving her an out. The woman took one last look at John, before giving Catlina a curt nod taking her leave, practically sprinting.

Cat’s smile didn’t leave as she looked back to John whose expression wouldn’t give away if he was upset with her or not. He placed an arm around her shoulders, “Come let’s go eat something. I have to return to my duties soon.”

Cat looked him up and down as they walked inside, nothing in his body language stood out to her, “What did you have in mind? I’m sure I can come up with something that can be made within an hour. When do you have to return to work?” Cat’s words were sped up as her mind raced trying to keep up with finding anything to see how John felt.

“Soon, but don’t worry about cooking anything, my dear,” John’s smile was fake as he led them both to the dark wood dining table. “I already requested that there be some kind of meal prepared for us,” Cat opened her mouth to protest stopping short when John raised his hand up to stop her, “and before you say anything they were happy to do it. I made sure they had the option to not cook.”

Cat gave him a sideways glance pulling her chair out taking a seat loosely crossing her arms, “I guess. If they want to I can’t really stop them.” Cat bit her lip, she couldn’t understand how uncomfortable something as simple as this made her feel. She went to restaurants and had family and friends cook for her, how was this any different? Not everyone was trapped as she felt right? It just had to be her not used to having constant help around a house. John grew up wealthier than she did so this must have felt normal, whereas Cat always helped with the cooking and housework once she was able to. If she was going to stay here, she decided, she was going to have to make it clear that she wanted to do things for herself. She didn’t want to be waited on hand and foot. “I just don’t want to inconvenience them.” 

“You shouldn’t think of yourself as an inconvenience anymore.” John waved off her remark as he took a seat across from her, “You need to be taken care of.” Cat watched as someone quickly brought out a drink for him. 

Catlina’s mouth dropped open stunned, “I don’t need _ anyone _ to take care of me,” she paused to smile at the person that brought some water to her. “Thank you.” She turned back to John, her voice hard, “I was doing a pretty good job of that on my own before all of this happened.”

“I’m sure you were,” John said condescendingly, taking a sip of his drink, his blue eyes never leaving her brown ones. “Your actions here prove that much,” there was a small smirk on his face. 

Catlina narrowed her eyes seething, “Oh yeah because my actions here in a place where I will be forcibly married off is a great judge of who I am and what I’m capable of,” she hissed. Cat kept her breathing even pushing the flare of anger down. She was ready to argue more when a plate of food was set down in front of her. Cat thanked the person that brought it out to her and looked at the plate of steak, carrots, and potatoes, it’s presentation resembling restaurants she could never afford. “You sure like your opulence don’t you rich boy,” she grumbled under her breath, taking a bite. She’d be lying if she denied how great it tasted. 

_There was no need to get upset, John probably didn’t mean it_ , Catlina kept repeating to herself until her feelings of anger subsided. _It was just his leftover anger from earlier, John was someone that was more outward with their anger._ _And a short fuse_ , Cat rationalized finally feeling some semblance of a calmer mind. She took a few subtle deep breaths, moving to take a few more bites of the meal. 

Cat stared at the plate not wanting to upset John anymore, despite her lingering questions about what he was preparing for tomorrow. John cleared his throat and she looked up slowly meeting his eyes, “I need to talk to you about tomorrow.” He waited for some response from her, Cat simply placed her fork down folding her hands on the lacquered table, he had her full attention. “As I’m sure you’ve figured out, you have to go through the steps to reach salvation. That all starts with the cleansing.”

“I don’t have a choice in the matter really,” she shrugged, “However, you should know it’s a lie.” Cat glanced to the plate feeling her hunger dissipate, “I don’t believe in religion,” she looked John square in the eye, “and I never will.”

“I’m sure you will one day,” she gave him a pointed look, “We believe in the same things after all.”

Cat flinched in disgust, “No. We don’t.”

“You want to see better in the world, that’s easy enough to see,” he wore a smug smile, like he’d already beaten her at this game, “So do we. We want that equality among everyone.”

John wasn’t going to win so easily, “So long as they follow your rules. You use the promise of a great afterlife as the extrinsic motivation for people to do good, to make things equal.”

“Then what, pray tell, do you believe?” John leaned back in his chair, his posture was open and mocking. 

Catlina looked to the table drawing circles with her index finger. What  _ did  _ she believe? She knew what she believed but it was similar to what Eden’s Gate preached or it could be construed as that. She didn’t want to give John the satisfaction of being right. “Earlier you said that my salvation was earned because of my suffering,” John nodded slowly as she took a deep breath getting her thoughts together, “Salvation isn’t something that is earned, it's something that is to be given freely.” She looked to John with determined eyes, “If one must suffer to come to salvation then the system has already failed.” 

John’s eyes narrowed, “To suffer is to find who is worthy.”

“And tell me how does one determine the amount of suffering one must go through to be deemed worthy of your paradise?” John opened his mouth to respond but Cat interjected before he could speak, “There is no way to determine that, Mr. Seed. There are people that appear to not have suffered, but they have. Everyone has their struggle and struggles should never be compared. Each struggle is significant because it was significant to each person.”

“So we should just treat everyone as if they were part of the Project?”

“Yes.” Catlina released her hands from the fists she made unconsciously, “Because they’re all people...human.”

“What should happen to those that are considered evil? Should they be granted entrance to a place of peace?”

John had her there, it was hard to explain how one should be kind even to those that were vile and unworthy of it. Catlina was never above calling it out and withholding her kindness from them, but…

“Seems like I’ve found the flaw in your little philosophy.” John leaned back in his seat taking a drink with a smile on his lips. “Trust me, just-”

“They deserve to be treated with basic decency.” Cat whispered as she looked up to John’s face as it fell into confusion, “They may be evil but we should still treat them with some kind of decency because they are still a person. If we don’t then we’re no better than them.” Cat shook her head continuing her voice stronger, determined, “People like that will do everything they can to dehumanize others, it’s one of the worst things you can do. I honestly could never live with myself if I started to treat others as less than human. I’d rather die.”

John became quiet as he stood, “I need to be going.” He smoothed out his clothes, “There’s some clothes in the closet to choose from for tomorrow. Pick something appropriate please.” He stalked to the door, his shoes echoing in the house, the door slamming causing Cat to flinch. Cat had watched him with wide eyes as he left.  _ Well that was...abrupt,  _ she thought as she stood herself grabbing the two plates, both half finished. 

“Please ma’am let me take care of those for you,” an older woman said. Cat looked to her with her greying black hair and slim frame as she held her hands out for the dishes.

Cat bit her lip, “I can handle the plates, but would you mind grabbing the glasses though, please.” The woman nodded and went to help Catlina wash and put the leftovers away in the fridge. She was in her thoughts the rest of the night as she wondered how tomorrow was going to go. Why did John leave so abruptly? What did she say? The cleansing was going to be one of the harder parts of hiding her thoughts. She was too much of an open book.  _ What did I say that made John leave so quickly? _ Catlina would have to spend the night practicing her fake smile in the mirror it seemed. 

★・・・・・・★・・・・・・★・・・・・・★

As the blue light of morning danced over Cat’s eyes, she looked over to the clock on John’s side of the bed. He was right in that the bed in the guest room was uncomfortable, Catlina couldn’t sleep and ended up sneaking into the room just before he came back home. The clock read six thirty in the morning. Cat gave a heavy sigh as she looked up to the ceiling, she felt unprepared and stressed out about the day. Today the cleansing and in the next day or two she’d be married off. 

Cat slid out of the bed quietly, careful of John still sleeping, grabbing the little vial of Bliss and made her way to the kitchen. It was empty and still as Cat looked around for something to make, she felt bad for whatever it was she said last night and not to mention how she was about to insult John’s faith today. Breakfast wasn’t much but it was a start. Cat managed to find bacon and ingredients for french toast. She got her stove and counter space ready, opening the windows knowing the bacon was going to smoke up the area. The chill of the morning breeze waking Catlina quicker than any coffee. 

Cat could hear hymns being played and the bustle of the members starting their day as she took a moment to place a small pinch of Bliss into a glass of water. At least she wasn’t going to be cooking in silence, she thought as she hummed along. Cat watched as people loaded crates, worked on the landscape, and a few gathering tools for mechanic work, as she drank the water. There was a uniformity to them, all the men growing out their hair and beards, the women with their hair long tied back, not to mention the clothes all having the same symbol and color palette. Cat knew that each person still had their individual story, their reason for coming here, there was no indication of that now among them.

She sighed, shaking her head getting the bacon in the hot pan. Cat cooked half of it to her preference and the rest to varying degrees of burned, “No crispy,” she mused to herself not noticing the six foot bulky man standing near the open window. 

“That’s a lot of bacon for one person,” his rough and deep voice causing Catlina to yelp. 

She looked the man over, he looked old enough to be her dad with a shaved head and stubble beard, different from many of the other men in Eden’s Gate, his skin tanned no doubt from the amount of time he was outside. He wore the same grey shirt as the others at the ranch, but with a bullet proof vest over it. He was brawny, intimidating, his height not putting Cat at ease. The only thing that seemed soft about him was his hazel eyes that looked at her with amusement. “Uh. Yeah it is. But it’s-it’s not just for me,” Catlina managed to stammer out. 

“You making it for John?” He leaned his arms on the ledge of the window, his nose pressing against the screen of the window.

“Yeah. Bacon and french toast,” Cat looked back to her bowl of eggs she hadn’t finished scrambling. Looking at it now she could tell she had too much batter for just two people. “Would you want some?” Cat offered the man, “I think I made too much for two people.”

He glanced around him, “Don’t think it would be fair to everyone else here if I had some and they didn’t.”

Cat stood on the tips of her toes looking around the ranch, “How many people do you think are here right now?” She asked, already starting to do the math.

Lance looked around with her, “Normal day, fifteen. Nine for protection, six for duties around the house.”

Cat smiled at him, “Is today a normal day?” The man nodded as her smile grew, “You want to take off the screen to the window while I start on the toast.” Cat glanced at the plate of bacon, “I won’t have enough bacon for everyone but four slices of french toast for each person should be enough right?”

“It should be. I think there are paper plates in the pantry.” He nodded behind her as he straightened out. 

“Thanks. Once I get it all together will you let everyone know, please?” 

“Of course Mrs. Seed,” she looked up to him alarmed, “You will be married to one of them soon. Might as well get used to saying it now,” he was so nonchalant about it that all Cat could do was nod giving a small smile as he went to work on the screen. 

It was easy enough to find the plates, another two loaves of bread, and get the ingredients all set up in a system. She was fast as she kept up with the flipping of each slice and keeping count of the number of slices she needed. Thirty two in total. Keeping up with the cutting of the bread into triangles proved to be the hardest part of this impromptu breakfast party. She honestly should have left it last, but she was in her system so there was no going back now. When she got to number twenty nine she waved for the older man to come back over. 

“Okay I’m ready to start giving everyone a plate,” Cat pushed a small step stool closer to the window being at just the right height to hand plates out of it. He was turning to tell everyone before Catlina stopped him, “Wait what’s your name?”

“Lance,” he gave her a smile, “My name’s Lance.”

Cat returned the smile, “Thank you for your help Lance. I’m making yours last so it’s the freshest.” He took his leave gathering people in small groups so as not to cause too much chaos in the small break everyone got to have in their work. When the last person was served she put Lance’s on the griddle. 

“If you don’t mind me asking, how do you feel about going through your cleansing today?” Lance asked, concern lacing his tone.

Cat’s eyes focused past the food she was making, “I don’t know. Bad I guess.”

“Why is that?” Lance looked at her curious, stealing a piece of bacon.

She shrugged, “Faith seems to be really important to John and well I don’t believe in it. Being falsely committed to it feels like I’m insulting him. Making this out to be a joke.”

“And you don’t want it to be a joke. You’d rather respect his beliefs,” Lance summed up.

She nodded as she put Lance’s plate together, “Yeah exactly. Faith and religion...well they drive a person, it’s a part of them. Sometimes you have to do what’s needed though.”

“Yeah sometimes you have to,” Lance agreed, taking his plate from her. “Just know that the whole thing is probably going to be a big show. They’re baptizing a new Herald and John…,” Lance gave a half hearted chuckle, “Well as you can see he’s not one for subtle or basic.” Cat felt her heart start to race at Lance’s words, “Don’t worry though I believe in you. You got this. I have to get back to work,” he took a bite, “Thank you for the breakfast.” Cat waved bye to him as she worked on making her and John’s plates. 

Cat took her time in making John’s plate perfect, appearances were important to him. If she had more energy and time she would have made fresh mixed berry sauce and whip cream. The strawberries she managed to find were the garnish,  _ Wait. What if he doesn’t like strawberries? Or he’s allergic?  _ “No it’s fine. Who doesn’t like strawberries?” She put the strawberries for herself in a small bowl just in case he was allergic. He could have her plate if that was the case, hers didn’t even touch the plate. She took a step back proud of her work, she could clean up after she was done eating or someone else would do it before she got back to it. 

Cat was careful balancing the tray with the food as she made her way upstairs to their room. One of the members passed her by stopping to open the door for her quietly. John seemed to have just started to stir, as she walked over the threshold. When Cat glanced at the clock it read eight fifteen. She placed the tray down on his night stand before going to close the door, the alarm going off.  _ That’s a very specific time for an alarm. _ She saw John turn over his hand reaching for where his clock would normally be, had Cat not moved it. She quickly dove for his hand before it became a sticky mess, one of his eyes opening beneath his mess of hair.

“What are you doing?” John mumbled into the comforter as Cat pushed the alarm button off.

“Saving my work,” Cat proclaimed putting his hand back on the bed, “It’s Instagram worthy.”

John groaned as he moved to sit up rubbing his eyes, “What could you possibly-” he stopped talking as he looked at the tray of food. “Is this for me?” Cat nodded, twisting and pinching her fingers. John was silent as he picked up the plate that had strawberries topped on it. Cat grabbed her plate letting out a small sigh of relief, going to sit on the foot of the bed facing him. Cat watched him through her lashes as she adorned her plate with the fruit and syrup. He poured the syrup artfully before taking a bite, John gave her a smile catching her eyes looking his way. “Didn’t your mother ever teach you that staring is impolite?”

She looked away quickly, “I wasn’t staring,” Cat stabbed her fork through a bite, hating his knowing smile.

“It’s okay to stare. There’s much to be admired,” John laughed softly noticing the blush coming to Catlina’s cheeks.

Cat snorted rolling her eyes, “Okay Adonis, whatever you say.” Cat took a look at John, in his undershirt that he seemed to be uncomfortable wearing, he was used to sleeping shirtless but was wanting to be modest if they shared a bed. She noticed more of his tattoos running along his toned arms, the detail on many of them hard to discern from where she sat, but they all had a theme of religious imagery. The one that stood out to her the most at the current moment was the eye of a peacock feather. 

Cat couldn’t help but smile, “Out of all the tattoos that one seems to fit you the most,” she pointed to it seeing John’s eyes follow to the top of his right forearm. “Always a bit of a show off, like you’re the best thing around,” Cat pushed some of the food on her plate around, “Sucks that peacocks tend to be treated more as pets nowadays. A commodity.”

“Are you saying I’m a commodity?” John’s brow furrowed in curiosity as he looked at her.

“Do you feel like a commodity?” Cat tilted her head to the side.

John clicked his tongue, “Don’t do that.”

“Do what?” She asked.

“Acting like a therapist,” she saw his eyes roll, “Answering everything with a question. It’s annoying.”

“Not a fan of introspection are you?” Cat clasped a hand to her mouth. “Sorry,” she muffled, “I didn’t mean to,” she brought her hand down, “I’ll try to not ask so many questions.”  _ Forgive me, _ she wanted to add but knew it would come out as a question.

“I’ll forgive you if you answer me, without a single question in your answer,” Cat nodded biting her tongue, “What are five things you did before you got here?”

Cat narrowed her eyes, “I see what you’re doing,” she pointed her fork at him, a smile playing on her lips, “You’re trying to find weaknesses, things you can use against me. Convince me to join or just to become my Mr. Prefect.”  _ It’s not a good idea to tell you much of anything about me. So let’s see if I can put on just as good of a front as you can. _ John stared her down as she took a deep breath, “I saw sunsets. I worked with people. I went to school. I hung out with friends. And I enjoyed the stars.” She gave John a smile as she finished.

“That’s not an answer,” he was almost finished with his breakfast.

“It is too.”

“I wanted the truth,” his voice was soft.

“That is the truth.”

He let out an exasperated sigh, “Those are half truths.”

“Oh what a pity,” Cat responded sarcastically.

“I’m just trying to get a sense of who you are,” he was frustrated by his tone of voice. 

“What do you think I’ve been doing?” Cat tsked shaking her head, “You’re not making it easy either.” 

“I opened up to you yesterday. I feel you should do the same with one thing in your life,” John said softly putting his plate down, “It can be anything you like.”

John had a point and Cat sat in thought as she chewed slowly. There had to be something that was safe enough to touch on to tell him. “I’m the oldest of three. I would do anything for my sisters. And my parents divorced after my second year of college and I was grateful for it,” Catlina’s voice was distant as she got up from the bed. “My life wasn’t all that interesting, John. I’m pretty much an open book. What you see is what you get.”

She saw John look her up and down as she gathered the dishes. If he thought she was lying he didn’t say, “Thank you for telling me.” He got up following her to the door, “We still need to discuss today’s plans. The cleansing will be this afternoon.”

Cat rolled her eyes as they both made their way to the kitchen, “It’s not going to be a big thing is it? I’ve heard people say you’re not one for subtle and I’m not one to be the center of attention.”

“No,” Cat raised an eyebrow at John while he spoke thoughtfully, “it should be a maximum of fifty people including you and me. I don’t expect much of the congregation there since it will be played via radio and tv.”

“No party after?” From Catlina’s experience many had little parties to celebrate, even if it was a standard baby baptism. 

John looked at her, “A small potluck. Easy enough to navigate.” 

_ Oh yeah  _ real _ easy,  _ “Do you promise?”

John made an X over his heart, “Cross my heart. It’s nothing you can’t handle.” She nodded a sigh of relief escaping her lips, “There is one other thing you should know.” _Oh no. Now what?_ “Your name will be changed.”

She stopped in her tracks, “What? Why do I have to change my name?”

“You’re being given a purpose and should have a name that reflects that,” he smiled, “Faith changed her name when she joined if that makes you feel better.”

“No,” she responded in disgust, “Why do the women have to change their name? What is your brother stuck in the 1600’s? Again it’s archaic.” As Cat put the dishes down in the sink a thought occurred to her, “Wait. You’ve never asked me what my name is. None of you have. How do you know my name isn’t some kind of biblical reference or describes my purpose?”

“Does it?” John asked pointedly. 

“No,” she grumbled as she started to scrub away at dishes. “Is it something you want to know?”

He shrugged, “No. it’s not like it’s going to matter after today anyway.”

“It’s still my name though. I’m not just whatever role you put me in.” 

“You are your role and will become it after some time here. The name given to you by your family will not matter for we will be your family.” It was a statement, one that didn’t leave room for much arguing. There were bigger battles to fight here.

She clenched her jaw glaring at John, “Fine.” Cat relented, unconsciously handing the plate to John for him to dry. When he didn’t take it she placed it on the counter. The two grew silent as Cat took her frustration out on the pan.  _ Frustrating. That’s all he was. Just frustration incarnate,  _ Cat thought placing her anger deep within her mind. There was no need to get angry, it was just a name after all. John even made note that whoever she was before this didn’t matter, if that was the case then she and her friends were safer for it. Building a new persona could work in the long run, and nothing said she had to change her values and principles with this new persona.  _ Damnit, he was fucking right. _ She would become whatever role they gave her.

“Did you pick out something to wear?” John asked leaning against the counter. Cat nodded, keeping her head down, “What did you pick?”

Cat hummed, “One of the light blue dresses. It has a high low skirt and spaghetti straps. Very covering and appropriate for the weather, light and thin cotton-y looking.” Cat finally looked up to John drying her hands having finished the dishes. 

John shook his head, “No.” He grabbed her hand leading her back up the stairs, “While I’m sure it’s pretty it’s not appropriate.”  _ Great now I’m being told what to wear, _ she thought as they got back into the room. John went into the closet searching for something, “Here let me show you what my brother wanted you to wear.” 

John came out holding a white dress with puffy shoulders that led to tight full length sleeves. The length was long near hitting her ankles and overall looked too big for Catlina’s small frame, she would be drowning in it. The fabric was a mix of cotton, chiffon, with hints of lace scattered about. Cat’s eyes went wide, her mouth turning in disgust, “It’s grotesque.” She walked up touching the fabric that somehow managed to feel rough and uncomfortable despite how soft it tried to appear, “It’s like a 1980’s wedding dress met up with an 1880’s pioneer and had a baby.” 

John laughed, tossing the abomination to the bed, “Hence why I took the liberty of ordering a few more options when he first told us what was to happen to you. I knew even then that wasn’t your style.”

“I don’t think that should be anyone’s style,” Cat interjected, shivering at the thought of the dress being liked. “Where did he even find something like that?”

John had moved back into the closet pulling out the white dresses Cat dismissed last night, “You know I don’t want to know where. Faith at least had the sense to adjust her dress to how she liked, but I don’t think there’s any way to save that one.” John hung the four dresses, two on the closet door and two on the dresser next to it, “These fit more of the idea my brother had for you.” 

John’s choices were better, more modern, and probably expensive. Cat moved to the dresses looking at the tags first out of habit. Her eyes widened as the first one, a simple chiffon shift with a silver chain belt, had a price tag of one hundred and fifty dollars.  _ Okay  _ way  _ more expensive than I thought. _ The second and third dresses also proved to be just as expensive, if it’s purpose was to get wet then there was no need to wear the nicer ones that cost more. Cat was moving on the last one feeling John’s eyes watch her every move, when another white dress caught her eye in the closet. 

Catlina pulled it out admiring the eyelet lace and embroidered pink and blue flowers at the waist line. It was a bit thicker than the others but light enough to dry out just fine in the summer sun. The halter neckline was accented by the straps twisting once, before meeting the zipper back. The label she saw on the inside was one she recognized and knew that the cotton blend material was going to be fine with no surprises getting wet, and the price of it was in a range Cat would be comfortable letting herself be dunked into a river or lake while wearing it. 

Cat quickly shut the door wanting to try it on. It was a fit and flare dress that slipped on perfectly. The length of it hit her knees, staying in place as she twirled and swayed in front of the mirror. Cat soon took the dress off showing it off on the hanger for John to see. “Here is this better?” She smiled knowing that she wasn’t going to wear any other dress. 

John studied the dress, “Not my favorite, but it works.” 

Cat rolled her eyes putting the other dresses away, “What time do we have to be there?”

“It starts at one thirty.”

“So we still have a few hours,” she bit her lip, “Do you mind telling me exactly what’s going to be said? I don’t really want to mess this up.”

John smiled, taking her hand, “Of course.”

There was a knock on the bedroom door as Cat tried to create some kind of hair style that she liked. “Come in,” she called out holding a bobby pin in her mouth while her hands worked on getting the right amount of hair for an updo.

“It would be easier if you just left it down,” Cat’s brown eyes flicked up in the mirror to meet Jacob’s blue ones. “Especially with the way the dress is.”

“And what would you know about fashion, Mr. Camo is totally a color,” Cat muffled, keeping hold of the bobby pin. “Besides I feel like I have to keep up some appearance of having my life together.”

Jacob’s rougher hands guided Cat’s to let go of her hair, “It’s a ritual of starting new, being born again. You should leave yourself as natural as possible.” Cat pulled the bobby pin out of her mouth as his hands started to braid a lock of her hair level with her temple. “How are you feeling today?”

Catlina gave him a half smile, “Didn’t peg you for talking about emotions.”

“I don’t. That doesn’t mean I can’t ask about them,” Cat handed him the bobby pin to secure the braid he made before his hands worked on the other side. “So, how are you feeling today?”

She looked behind Jacob through the mirror, “I’m doing okay. Nervous about this whole thing but it could be worse.”

He quickly raised and lowered his eyebrows nodding, “Major improvement compared to a few days ago.” Jacob took the small rubber band she held out to him, bringing the two braids together at the back of her head. “I was there you know,” she turned to face him, “I was the one that brought you back.”

“Why did you do that?” Cat bit the inside of her lip holding back any anger she felt towards him, now was no time for a big scene.

Jacob shrugged, “Had to.”

Cat shook her head letting out a sharp breath, “Is that why you’re here? To check up on me?” She turned to make her way to the door, “Because clearly I am alive and well, thanks to  _ you _ ,” her words were short. Despite Catlina having Bliss in her system she still was able to bring forth her anger of being brought back, it was something she was going to always cling to. She still felt they had no right to decide that she lived, but she was here now and under watch, nothing much she could do about it now. She walked down to the living room slipping on her shoes that were placed at the bottom of the stairs, hearing Jacob’s heavy footsteps following behind her.

Jacob shrugged, rolling his eyes, “Obviously. I came primarily to see John before we all leave for the cleansing.”

“He’s at the location making sure everything is how he wants it to look,” Cat busied herself with reorganizing an already organized bookshelf, keeping her back to him, “He should be back soon.”

Jacob was about to say more when he was interrupted by a gruff voice, “Mr. Seed,” Cat looked over her shoulder to see Lance, dressed in the standard dingy grey sweater with a bullet proof vest paired with black pants, standing in the doorway, “is everything okay, sir?”

Cat waved to him, “Hi Lance. Jacob here was just looking for his brother.”

Jacob looked between the two of them, “Actually there is something I need to talk to you about also.” Jacob pointed to Lance before giving one last glance at Catlina, “Excuse me.” She watched as the two turned on their heels out the front door. 

Cat rolled her eyes, “Men.” She glanced to the clock that read twelve fifty wondering where John was. She wasn’t sure how far away this was going to take place but if Jacob had to talk to John, there was no telling how long that would take, and lord help them if John had to get fully ready all over again. They were going to be late and for something like this it felt customary to arrive a little early. 

Cat paced looking for something to do to calm her nerves. Her mind was racing along with her heart. She couldn’t do this, even with knowing exactly what was going to be said, knowing how she was going to go into the water she still felt unprepared. Cat heard that woman yesterday. There were people who didn't think she was even on their side, a believer in what they had built here, and while it may be true, she had to make it  _ seem _ like she was. Cat was never a very good actress, could never lie to people about how she really felt. She was known as an open book. 

_ No, just calm down. You don’t need to lie Catlina,  _ “Just give them some of the truth. You believe in doing good and want to see the world become a better place. They just need to know that.” Cat repeated to herself quietly, her hands clasped in a prayer near her mouth. “Besides John will handle the rest. You just stand there and look pretty.” 

Cat was taking deep breaths closing her eyes, “Oh good you’re ready,” it was John, she would know his charming voice anywhere at this point.

Cat nodded, opening her eyes to his beep blue ones, “Are you?”

“Just a quick change of clothes,” he held her at arm's length assessing her. “You look perfect. The braids were a nice touch.”

Cat reached to brush her fingers over them lightly, “Oh yeah. Your brother helped me with them.” Cat’s eyes lit up, “Jacob needed to talk to you by the way.”

John nodded, “He met up with me as I pulled up. He’s found someone to be your personal protection.” Cat opened her mouth, “I know you said you can take care of yourself but it would bring us all some peace of mind if you had a little more. There are people out there that might try to harm you.”

Cat clicked her tongue confused, “Okay...I’m pinning that for another conversation we need to have.” She glanced at the clock on the mantle, “You should go and get changed. I’m sure we have to be leaving soon.” John nodded taking his leave. He was in and out in under five minutes, though his clothing looked almost identical creating doubt if he actually changed or not, “Let’s go. Jacob’s waiting.”

The three of them climbed into the ruby truck, Cat noticing that Lance jumped into the bed of it, he had what looked like a rifle you would hunt with on his back and an AK kind of gun in his hands. Jacob wasn’t one to wait around quickly pulling out to the road. Cat leaned against the front seat behind John, “Can we put some music on, please?” John didn’t say anything as he flipped the radio on. She leaned back in the seat, disappointed, upon hearing the religious tunes, it was better than nothing. Cat hummed along as best she could finding many of the tunes catchy. 

Catlina saw John’s hand start to move along to a beat of a song that started,  _ “Come brothers and come sisters. Come weary and come strong.”  _ The beat had her mimicking mouthing the words,  _ “Come meet the man who reaps the land on which we walk upon. The time has come for judgement but we’ve got nothing wrong.”  _ This had to be about The Father, Cat was thinking as she got into the song begrudgingly.  _ “Join us so, we all can sing along.”  _ Cat took a breath ready to sing along to the chorus,  _ “Oh John...Bold and Brave.”  _ Catlina couldn’t suppress her laughter at the realization of who the song was really about. 

She covered her mouth once the brothers looked back to her, “Sorry,” she cleared her throat, “I uh. I thought of a joke a friend told me about...Batman,” she lied.  _ How pretentious could John be?  _ Catlina couldn’t blame him, it just seemed so funny to her that he tried so hard to hide whatever pride he felt but it was no use. John was always the guy that she and Theo would poke fun at if they came across them. Neither of them could ever fathom being so full of themselves, then again John probably never felt appreciated or heard….  _ Wow, way to kill your own mood dummy. _

They soon made it to the river bank where the cleansing was taking place. As the three of them stepped out of the red truck Cat couldn’t help but notice the amount of people near the river bank. Many were whispering and chatting among themselves with looks of excitement on many faces. There was a group of five dressed in long off white robes, gold stitching shimmering in the sunlight, all doing what Cat recognized as vocal warm ups. She started to count but could already tell it was more than fifty people. Her eyes turned to the arch way placed at her entry point, wrapped with the symbolic white trumpet flowers. White petals littered the ground around the bank that would be her stage. Cat could feel her heart beating rapidly, hands starting to shake, her mouth becoming dry.

She quickly turned to John, hitting his shoulder, “You told me it would be fifty people  _ at most. _ That’s more than fifty,” she hissed. “I thought this wasn’t going to be a big show? You promised it wasn’t going to be,” her throat started to form a lump as she held back her tears.

John looked at her, placing his hands on her shoulders, “I promise you I didn’t think this many people would show up.”

Jacob cleared his throat, the two of them looking to his face, “Joseph may have mentioned at the last service that this was an event that was better to see in person if possible.” Cat’s eyes went wide, her shaking moving up to her arms, she felt sick. She couldn’t do this, she couldn’t put on an act for this many people. She would be found out, people would get hurt, all those eyes looking at her-

“Don’t worry,” John’s voice shifted her from her thoughts. “You can do this. Just take a deep breath.”

John demonstrated, Cat following her breath a little shakier. She took three more before speaking, “You right. You’ll be there. You’ll do it, I’ll be okay.”

John’s eyes widened briefly glancing at Jacob before meeting hers, “Right about that…”

“ _ John, _ ” Cat took a few steps backwards running into Jacob. Panic was surging in her chest as she felt her arms become ghosts, eyes becoming wide.

“Yes normally I perform them but this is a special one. Joseph will do it,” John said in an attempt to reassure Cat, “I’ll still be just right there.”

John reached out to her, but Catlina moved away from him quickly, “No.” Cat’s mind snapped back into place, “No. I’m not going out there. Not unless it's you.” She stood straighter planting her feet, Cat was going to have to be carried in if the brothers wanted her to move. “I  _ refuse  _ to go through with this unless it’s you.” 

John rolled his eyes, scoffing, “There’s no need to throw a fit about it,” Cat heard a snort escape Jacob and Lance both, “You’ll be fine. Now we should get going.”

Cat shook her head, “No!” Her skin was already crawling at the thought of Joseph holding her in the water. Catlina just couldn’t trust Joseph. She couldn’t trust John either but she held more trust for him than his brother. “I’m. Not. Going.” Cat stated her brown eyes looking up at John’s eyes definitely.

John's arms crossed staring just as intensely, eyes narrowing. Cat put her hands on her hips, planting her feet more audibly. This was more than just some tantrum to Catlina, she was fearful. With a huff John relented, “Fine. I’ll try and see what I can do. Is that fair?”

If John tried and Joseph still insisted it be him then Cat would have no choice, “Fair,” she agreed. John turned grumbling walking up the path as Cat watched anxiously, picking at her nails. “You don’t have to stay here,” she told Jacob who was still next to her.

“And leave John to carry you in if you still refuse,” she looked up to Jacob, his face stoic, “Not going to happen.”

“I won’t refuse. I’ll go. At least he tried so that counts for something,” Catlina responded glancing to Lance who stood silently, his eyes watching their surroundings. “John said I was getting protection. Is that going to be you Lance?”

“Yes, he is,” Jacob said, ignoring the fact she directed the question at Lance. “You seem to be friendly enough and Powell’s one of my best men.” 

Cat nodded looking directly into Lance’s hazel eyes, “Thank you, Lance.” The three of them looked up to John coming back to them.

“Okay, we’re compromising,” John declared, “He’s going to do the whole sermon and the presentation of you but I will be the one to hold you in the water. Does that work for you?” Cat felt her nerves alleviate just a little as she nodded. “Okay. Well we should get this started.” John walked Cat to a spot that was a few yards from where she would be entering, just out of view of the people there. “Now you just stay here. After the first verse then you can start walking. Mr. Powell will be behind you but just focus on me if you start feeling overwhelmed.” 

Cat nodded swallowing, “Okay,” she took one last breath holding it for a few seconds before exhaling just as slowly. John gave her a nod walking with Jacob to stand with Faith and Joseph.

“You should take your shoes off here,” Lance told her softly. “I’ll hold on to them, but better if you have them off.” Lance held his hand out as Cat stepped out of the flats. He held them as the guitar notes started. “Don’t worry you can do this. It’ll be quick.”

_ “Let the water wash away your sins. And you thought one day you’d be happy, if you held in all your screams. Let the water wash away your sins.”  _ Cat felt the slight push of Lance’s hand on her back taking a step forward. Then another, and another. Her steps were slow and with purpose as she came to the arch way.  _ Just like when you got married, slow and steady.  _ Cat pasted a smile on her face as she passed under the archway, and into the light green meadow head held high. There were a few whispers around her underneath the choir’s music, she hoped they were positive. 

The ground felt cool and soft beneath her bare feet as she stared ahead, letting her mind focus on getting to the Seed family. Cat felt the heat of the afternoon sun warm her hair, glad for having the dress she had on, as she took in the Seeds all together. Joseph with his yellow aviators, wore black jeans with a white button up and grey sports coat. John never failed to impress with his dark blue shirt, black waist coat and black jeans. Jacob wore his military shirt over a plain black shirt with slightly dirtied jeans a knife holstered on his right leg. Faith didn’t change much wearing the same white lace dress adorned with pink, white, and green foliage. Looking at them all here Cat could see how the brothers were all related to one another, how similar their faces looked, their eye colors all being varying shades of blue but never so different as to show individuality. Even Faith despite being the adopted one seemed to blend in with the brothers, like her face changed to match theirs over time, the only way you would know she was adopted is her eyes were on the borderline of being green rather than blue.

_ Will that be me one day? _ Cat thought as she continued to walk and study them.  _ Will I start looking like them despite how hard I try to stand out, like I know I do right now? _ Cat knew her skin would never pale like theirs and her eyes would never turn from her brown into a blue, but would she start to lighten her hair or emphasize certain facial features to match theirs? No, this was all a trick of the mind. They said they were family so her brain inserted facial features that were probably never there to begin with on Faith. That’s all it was, a trick of the mind.

Faith, with a beaming smile, was the first one to approach Cat once she was a few feet away. Cat grabbed hold of Faith’s hand letting herself be led to Joseph, who embraced her placing his forehead against hers. Cat felt her face falter as she struggled to keep from breaking free of Joseph as the song came to a close. He finally pulled back and turned them both to their audience. 

There was a moment’s silence after the last notes were sung, the wind brushed some strands of Cat’s dark brown hair in her face. Her heart was racing still and Catlina held onto her hands in front of her hiding how they shook. Finally Joseph stepped forward, his arms outstretched, “My brothers and sisters, thank you for joining us for this most wondrous of occasions.” He turned towards Cat pointing her out, “We have been blessed with a new Herald. One that will bring into this world a child that will lead us all to paradise. Lead us home.” Joseph took a pause letting the words sink in among the spectators. There were murmurs of excitement and some of curiosity. “Today she is going to show us her commitment and promise herself to the will of God. To the Project. A commitment to walk the path to Eden that has been laid before her.”

“Praise be to the Father!” The spectators praised in unison. Cat heard John, Jacob, and Faith all repeat the phrase. It was too late for Cat to say it but hoped that it was something that could easily be written off. 

“Now,” Joseph walked towards her grabbing Catlina’s hands, “Let us say a small prayer before we begin.” Joseph bowed his head, eyes closing, Cat looked around to everyone else doing the same, some hands clasped near their heart. Cat followed suit,  _ Just like at home.  _ “Dear Lord,” he started, “May you shine your light down upon us as we bring forth another that is worthy of your love and a place in the Paradise you have promised us.” Cat opened her eyes meeting Josephs, she flinched slightly, “May we be able to continue to follow your plan.” The last line was pointed to Cat, that wasn’t lost on her. “Amen.”

“Amen,” Cat said with the rest of the people there, she felt like she was going to be sick. When Joseph finally released her hands she felt a weight lifting from her chest making it easier for Cat to smile and play pretend. John came up behind her placing a hand on her shoulder turning her towards the river bank. The ground turned cold and slippery as she walked to the edge of the water.  _ Just don’t focus on not falling and you’ll be fine. _

John stopped to slip his shoes off, “I wish I would have known you wanted me to do this,” he whispered, “I wouldn’t have worn this year’s Prada.” Cat snorted holding back her laughter as he took a step forward holding his hand out to her. She placed her shaking hand in his following him to the cold rushing water. Cat shivered, the water hitting her legs reminded her of the days she and her friends got time off and would go to Boulder Creek to swim and have a good time. It didn’t matter how hot the day was, the water always felt freezing. John led her to where the water came closer to her shoulder blades, “There’s a rock here just stand on that.” 

Cat nodded stepping on to the rough rock the water was now just below her natural waist. Strangely she couldn’t feel any moss or any indication that the rock had been in the river for a long time. “You knew I would be too short didn’t you?” She whispered smiling.

“I couldn’t risk hurting my back now could I?” John shushed her after that, “Now pay attention.”

Cat looked up to Joseph that had joined the two of them in the water shirtless. Panic surged within her as she watched his every move. Joseph faced her, his eye contact unwavering behind his yellow sunglasses. Cat felt she should be used to his gaze by now, but it still just created a tangle of emotions in the pit of her heart, “Now are you prepared to rid yourself of all your past transgressions and let the light of Eden guide you?”

_ Just follow the script,  _ she mustered all the confidence in her voice _ ,  _ “Yes,” Cat answered, “I am.”

“Do you swear to uphold and perform your duties to Eden’s Gate as a protector and one that will lead us to Salvation?”

“I swear.”  _ Now repeat after me. _

“Do you,” _Off script. He was going off script,_ her heart started to beat in her ears, “relinquish your past self to be born anew, accepting the word of The Father?”

Cat’s breathing became irregular as she processed the words being said to her. This was a test on how well she could perform, conform to what he wanted her to be. If she feared him, she wasn’t going to show it if she could help it. She looked him dead in the eye, “Yes. I do.”  _ Not.  _ The poison in her mouth from the words lingered as Cat mentally recited what was to come next.

“Good,” he gave her a soft smile, Cat looked away from him catching Lance’s eyes on the shore. “Now repeat after me,” Cat steeled herself for telling more lies. “Forgive me Father for I have sinned. From this day forth I repent the sins of my past and will forgive those who have trespassed against me. I will be led from temptation and delivered from evil to your salvation.”

“Forgive me Father for I have sinned. From this day forth I repent the sins of my past and will forgive those who have trespassed against me. I will be led from temptation and delivered from evil to your salvation,” she repeated not messing up the words.

Joseph smiled nodding to John, whose hands were already placing themselves on her lower back and chest. “In the name of The Father I baptize you,” John declared as Cat took a deep breath as she felt herself be lowered.

The water hit her face and Cat felt some enter her mouth that she quickly swallowed down.  _ Gross, hopefully it was safe enough for me to ingest _ . As she heard the muffled words being spoken there was one voice that was clear as day under the water. “Cat! Catlina!” It was Theo’s, “Please find me. I need you,” No he was dead this wasn’t real. Cat felt herself start to panic under the water grabbing onto John’s pants, “I’m here still my love. I need you.  _ Please  _ find me.” Cat felt herself be raised up to the surface gasping as she felt the air around her. 

“For then may we stand in the light of God and walk through his gate unto Eden,” John declared as Joseph made the sign of the cross on Catlina’s forehead. Cat tried her best to hold a smile on her face, feeling the sobs starting in her chest. John was again the one to help lead Cat out of the water letting his brother take over once they made it to shore. 

“My brothers and sisters! I present to you our new Herald, Mary! May she lead us with Righteousness and Kindness in her heart!” Cheers and applause erupted as Joseph finished his speech. A towel was placed on Cat’s shoulders from Lance as he placed her shoes in front of her. Cat could feel her own tears mix with the river water as she smiled, she needed to leave, her chest was filled with too many emotions, it might burst. Lance’s eyes met hers, sympathy hiding behind the stoic face he wore. There was no way what she heard in the water was real. Her mind was just playing tricks on her again and yet….

No Theo was gone. There was no way Joseph faked the video, besides he had to know the best way to break a person was using truth rather than lies. She was just lonely trying to mourn the best way she could here.  _ Conceal don’t feel. Don’t let it show _ , Cat quoted as she looked around composing herself. She had a new identity now, one she had to embrace fully until she found a way out. 

She had to be Mary Seed. 


	8. We're Sisters

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for your support!   
> As always comments and kudos are appreciated!   
> Please enjoy!

The voices all around Catlina sounded far away no matter how hard she tried to focus on them. The barbeque was supposed to be the easy part, but only if she could focus on what the people around her were saying. There were congratulations given, excitement of her pending nuptials, and questions about what she would do with her new role. It was overwhelming and all Cat wanted to do was to find a spot away from them all. The more she tried though the more John kept her close, it was looking like no surprise to anyone else who her future husband was going to be. His only saving grace for Catlina at the moment was his ability to talk to everyone and provide some answers that she didn’t have. 

The gesture was appreciated by her but she still wanted nothing more than a moment alone to herself. Eventually, Cat found herself getting some more of the punch when Faith, the sister, approached her. “Looks like I finally got you all to myself,” Faith gave Cat a smile taking one look at Cat before grabbing her free hand, “Come with me.” Cat allowed Faith to lead them away from the party to a small green clearing, scattered with wild roses and two boulders for the pair to sit on. 

Cat took a sip of her drink, “Thanks for getting me out of there,” she ran a hand through her now tangled hair, “Though I assume you have something to talk about?”

Faith’s blue green eyes looked at her with curiosity, “You looked overwhelmed and well,” she spun before taking a seat on one of the boulders, “we are going to be sisters soon.”  _ So I should help you when you’re in distress, _ it was something she had done many times with her own sisters. 

Catlina snorted at the reminder of gaining a new family, “More like hours.” She paced in front of Faith, her eyes misting looking to the ground below her. “Sorry,” a lump formed in her throat, ”it’s just a lot you know.”

“I’m sure. With how much change is happening in such a small amount of time. We’re all feeling it,” Faith patted the spot next to her, scooching over to make more room. 

“Your brother’s don’t seem to be phased by it,” Catlina lied. 

Faith laughed, her blue green eyes watching as Cat paced in front of her, “Joseph, no. If it’s in God’s plan then no need to doubt it. Jacob and John though? Well they were both thrown for a loop.” Cat stopped looking Faith over, “I mean you’ve been living with John, I’m sure you’ve seen the tantrum he’s been throwing.”

Cat gave her a half smile, “He hasn’t been that bad,” Faith crossed her arms raising an eyebrow, “Okay annoying, but I don’t know maybe we can get along. He cares.”

Faith shook her head rolling her eyes, “So long as he can act like it, that’s all that matters in the end.” Cat wanted to ask more as she was interrupted by a cheer from the party. There was a music change, one that seemed easier to dance to. Faith stood, “Guess we should be getting back.”

Cat crossed her arms kicking a small stone, her eyebrows raising, “Or we can just leave.” A sly smile came to Faith’s lips, “We’re already out here and no one’s come looking for us yet.” The words slipped so easily from Cat’s lips, “We’ve made our appearance, we should just leave.”

“I don’t think my brothers would like that very much,” she stated walking back, “Especially because I’m sure there are more people wanting to talk to you, Mary.”

She flinched at the new name, “John. They want to talk to John,” Cat argued. “Besides it’s getting late and isn’t it tradition for the groom to not see the bride before the wedding?” She swayed pouting, wanting Faith to agree with her so badly.

Faith turned back to face Catlina, “That’s true.” Faith’s hair blew in the small breeze as she made her way closer to Catlina her hands behind her back, “It was planned that you come back with me for the night.”

Cat snapped her fingers pointing to Faith, “See. We don’t have to stay here. Let’s just get out of here. Get to know each other. You’re the only one I haven’t really gotten to know.” Cat strided up to Faith grabbing her hand, “So let’s blow this party and do something more fun.”

“You two aren’t going anywhere,” a deep rough voice called out. Cat and Faith looked to its source seeing Lance standing at the edge of the clearing. The two women let out a gasp, “Well alone at least,” Lance finished laughing. The two women let out a sigh of relief, “Come on. I know a car we can take.”

Cat looked up to the six foot guard, “Won’t they get mad at you though? I’d rather you not get in trouble.”

“He won’t get in trouble for going with us,” Faith provided, “He’s more likely to end up in trouble if he  _ didn’t  _ come with us.” She walked up to Lance patting his chest, “Thank you Mr. Powell.”

He gave a curt nod as he led the two to a black truck, “We do have to make a stop first.”

“Two stops,” Faith chimed in, holding up two fingers. Cat and Lance looked to the young woman, “I want pizza. Sad to say but there aren't very many good cooks in the project. John hogs them all.”

Cat and Lance shrugged, mumbling their agreement. “Okay two stops. First one is the ranch. You need your change of clothes, I overheard John saying the dress came in this morning.”

“I hate that he can guess my size. Isn’t bad luck for him to see the dress,” Cat questioned as the trio jumped into the truck.

Faith shook her head, “He never looked at the final dress. He found a design he liked and then made sure it was in white.”

“How do you know so much?” 

“I was there when he got it all set up. He wanted someone to provide an opinion he never even asked for in the end.” Faith grabbed Cat’s arm, “Trust me though Mary you’re going to love it! Cause  _ I _ know what it looks like and I already know how I’m going to make you look.”

Cat’s eyes got bigger at Faith’s words.  _ I know exactly how I’m going to make you look, just trust me,  _ Cat pushed the memory out of her head trying not to let the pain come. There was so much preparation for this wedding and Cat didn’t have a single hand in planning any of it. It’s not that she wanted this wedding in the first place, but maybe she could have an easier time pretending to be happy if she had some choice in it. “I’m so excited to see what you have planned,” Cat said. “Sister,” the title brought out a bigger smile to Faith’s face.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

“So tell me, how much do you know about the wedding tomorrow?” Cat asked, holding the dress bag over her head as the two walked towards Faith’s residence. While Faith’s place was nowhere near the size of John’s ranch it was still bigger than Cat had ever been in. There were at least two levels and maybe an attic area, all surrounded by dark red brick and vines crawling up the walls and white trellises that covered some walkways in the front of the house, the white trumpet flowers at the baptism crawling all over them. Cat paused taking in the whole house with wide eyes, her mind only coming up with parallels to Victorian houses that were the start of horror movies. 

“I know a lot about it,” Faith said turning around the pizza boxes in her hands. She saw Catlina stopped looking up to the house, “Are you okay?”

Cat nodded slowly, “Yeah. I-I just. This house is  _ huge _ . I mean I know John’s ranch is big but this...this is bigger than anything I stepped foot in that wasn’t a museum. You  _ live  _ here?” Cat rambled trying to wrap her head around the idea.

Faith shot a glare to the house, “I do. Lived here for a long time,” there was a darker tone to her voice as Cat processed her words.

“Did you grow up here?” Cat asked softly. Faith nodded, “A dream covering a nightmare I assume?” Faith’s lips became thin as she looked to the house with her narrowed eyes, the only answer Cat needed.  _ All the Seeds have parental issues, _ Cat thought as she put a hand on Faith shoulder. “Come on, let’s get inside before the pizza gets cold,” she gave Faith a smile as she pushed them forward into the house. 

“You two let me know if you need anything,” Lance said as he watched them pass over the threshold, “I’ll be working with the others here.”

The two women nodded, closing the door behind them. Faith led them up the stairs past a floor of rooms to another set of stairs, Cat’s assumption of an attic was correct. Once the attic door was closed it was as if her and Faith’s conversation in the front of the house never happened, she had become more relaxed. More like the woman Cat had seen the few times they interacted. 

The attic was painted a soft green with beige carpet, four windows on the walls and a skylight above the bed. There was a door that no doubt went to a bathroom, a living area, with a couch, television, coffee table, and desk against a back wall under a window. Towards the front of the house there was a little kitchenette, with a small stove, fridge, and dishwasher and sink. The whole attic was made to feel like a very roomy studio apartment. 

Cat hung the dress on the door to the bathroom setting her bag down under it, “Wow. Your room is amazing! You have everything you could need up here.” Cat mused as she walked around looking at the pictures and knick knacks scattered around.

Cat picked up one of the pictures on the tv stand, “Thanks. It feels like home and that’s what matters. Excuse me,” Faith said placing the pizzas on the counter going down the stairs. 

Cat looked the picture over in her hands, it was of two kids covered in mud triumphantly holding up a trophy. One, a girl, had Faith’s eyes and hair color while the other, Cat assumed a boy based on the clothes, had a mess of brown curls and green eyes. Cat smiled, placing it back down looking at another photograph, this one of what had to be Faith as a teenager, with a black girl. The two were crammed in the shot, a sunset with the mountains as a background, the two wore big smiles. Faith’s hair was pulled back in a ponytail, pieces falling out, while her friend wore a hoodie with her straight black hair partially covering one eye. 

Cat put the photo back down when she heard the creaking of the steps, Faith made her way back up. “You know I’m surprised you don’t have any succulents up here.”

Faith made her way to the bathroom, “I have plenty of flowers to keep my busy,” her voice was more muffled as it sounded like she was changing, “Besides it gets too cold up here for them to really thrive.”

“Fair point I guess.” Cat looked down to the white dress she still wore, she really should change. What was she even going to ask to get to know Faith? Cat didn’t want to overstep and ask about her past, but at the same time it was hard to not ask. How does someone as young as Faith get involved with Eden’s Gate to a point where she’s adopted by the founders. Was Faith even used to having a sibling? “Are you excited to no longer be the only girl in the family?”

She came out of the bathroom having changed into a pink tank top with black pajama bottoms, “Yeah. Maybe now I’ll be listened to more.” She studied Cat, “You should change,” she pushed Cat to the bathroom tossing her the bag Cat had packed. 

“So it’s an all boys club?” With the little Cat knew about Joseph it didn’t seem surprising, “Though I don’t know how much help I’ll be.” Cat pulled the dress off, her skin still cold from the water that never fully dried.

“Well,” Faith started, “once you have your purpose and participate more in the project you’ll have a say in how things are run.”

As Cat pulled on the old t-shirt she found she looked out the door to her, “I thought I already had my purpose?”

She giggled, “Well yeah for the bigger plan, but there’s still much to be done. So you need to find your duty for the short term.”

Cat frowned, “How will I know what that is? I don’t know where my strengths lie in this community.”  _ Not that I want much to do with religion to begin with. _

“You just have to trust in God to tell you. We all have something to offer,” she took a seat on the bed as Cat finished pulling up the sweat pants she brought with her. “Look at what John does, he’s got a charm and good ear for listening, so he’s the one that brings people in. He listens to their confessions and determines how devoted they are, listens to their heart's intentions.”

“What if he doesn’t deem them worthy?”  _ Was I in danger? _ It was doubtful since for the time being John made her out to be just an assignment, but then again he tended to speak in half truths. 

Faith waved off the question, “Seems rare. He can tell even before they go through confession who’s true. Jacob though helps in training members to help protect us. All that military training I guess.” Cat grabbed a pizza box bringing it to the bed, “Joseph well he’s the prophet so his duty is pretty clear.” 

Catlina took a slice out, “What about you?” She asked, taking a bite.

Faith got a bit of a far away look before responding, “I help make sure people feel connected to the path. That those who feel lost can find their way.” She reached over to grab her own slice of the pizza.

“You make the Bliss don’t you,” it was more of a statement than a question. Now it was a bigger question as to what had happened to Faith. If she was the one that made it then what was she doing here and not putting her smarts to use out in the world. Even still if she’s been made to be a pretty face, she was highly underutilized.

“Well sort of. I’m not good at putting things together but I did help in making it,” her eyes strayed to the tattoo on her arm, “Took a while to perfect but it worked out in the end.”

Cat’s eyes were wide, looking to the formula on Faith’s arm pointing to it, “Is that the formula for it?” Faith nodded proudly as Cat moved closer to get a better look, “You wouldn’t happen to have a periodic table so I can find out what this element is would you?”

Faith gave a tap on Cat’s nose, “That’s just nitrogen and oxygen silly.” She laughed, finishing off her slice. Cat bit her inner lip, she wasn’t well versed in chemistry but knew that if oxygen was supposed to be its own element then it would be bigger. Faith just stated that she knew a great deal about chemistry to help in the creation of Bliss, or well implied it. If it was a lie then why lie about that? Faith was far from stupid, Cat knew that much, she was just going to have to work a little harder at figuring out her past. 

“Right I’m sorry. I was a humanities major,” Cat said, laying back on the bed, the energy used for the day’s events catching up to her. 

“Humanities,” Faith questioned tilting her head to the side, “Let me guess, art major?”

Cat laughed loudly, “God no. My mom would have killed me.”

“Music major.”

“I can’t hold a note,” Cat sang out her pitch going everywhere.

“Okay yeah we’ll keep you away from the choir,” Faith laughed tapping a finger on her chin, “Social work?”

Cat looked up and to the right, “Kind of. I wanted to work with teens and young adults.” Cat gave Faith a smile, “Good guess.”

“You seem like the type. Though my next guess was going to be a kindergarten teacher,” Cat rolled her eyes at the notion, “I’m serious. You have the face for it. I’m sure kids love you! Maybe that’s why you were picked.”

Cat shot her a sideways look, “Kids liking you and being a good parent are two different things.” She propped herself on her elbows, “Besides I doubt God would pick someone based on their looks,”  _ If there even was a God. _ “What did you pick as a major for college?”

She shrugged, “I never went.” 

Cat raised an eyebrow, “Smart woman like you? Did chemistry become a hobby for you then?” It couldn’t have been an issue of money, considering the house she grew up in. 

“Never had the opportunity is all,” she was as good as John in giving just enough truth to her answers to keep people satisfied. Seems the only one Cat didn’t have to work hard to get to know was Jacob.

“Faith,” she gave Cat a hum in response, “when did you join Eden’s Gate?”

She got quiet picking at the toppings of the pizza before taking a breath, “I was seventeen.”

“And how old are you now?” Had Faith’s looks been deceiving her? Seventeen was young to commit this much to a new religion.

“I’ll be twenty four soon,” Cat’s eyes went wide, she was the same age as her younger sister. “A friend and I went to a service and after hearing the Father’s message, I didn’t feel so lost.” Cat sat up more, reaching for Faith’s hand, “I felt like I had a place I belonged, a community.”  _ Was she still feeling lonely? _

“What about your friend?” The need to protect Faith started to grow, though it was hard to say if it was just because of her age or if she really needed protecting.

“She didn’t stay. Didn’t believe in what the Father had to say,” Faith’s blue green eyes became darker as they narrowed looking to the pictures Cat had looked at earlier. “I don’t need them anyway. I have a family here,” Faith’s eyes met Cat’s brown ones as she grabbed onto both of her hands, “I have you Mary.” Cat’s heart fell, there was too much hope in Faith’s voice, too much pressure to stay. Catlina could already see the blind spot she would have for Faith.

Faith seemed to be around the same age as Maya and for all intents and purposes Faith was now Cat’s sister. Was that why it was so easy to talk to her, she was just a reminder to Cat of something she was missing so desperately. Faith wasn’t a replacement for her sisters, but it felt too nice to have that kind of relationship. Admittedly it was going to be easy to let Faith into her heart. Despite what was no doubt under the surface, Faith had a look about her that just made Cat want to care for her, make sure nothing bad happened to her. She just looked helpless. There was no way Catlina was ever going to not care for her in some capacity, might as well accept it now.

Cat gave Faith’s hands a squeeze, “Yes you do. I will be here for you to the best of my ability. I won’t leave you.” How far that promise was going to go was a mystery, but based on the hug Cat was given from Faith it was enough to make the lie of forever worthwhile and easy. The two spent much of the night talking, laughing, and watching movies, a needed distraction for the nerves stacking up in Cat’s body. The whole night was another reminder of how deceptively normal this place could feel, it just became a question of how much she was willing to accept it. Logic told her to not accept any of it, keep fighting, while her heart, still broken, wanted nothing more than to jump into the fantasy and stay for as long as possible. There was no good answer Cat felt as she laid in the bed for the night next to Faith, hoping tomorrow wasn’t going to be as bad as she feared.

The next morning was earlier than Cat would have liked but when one has not done the planning of their own wedding there was no room to complain. Faith had no trouble in getting up and having made a small breakfast for the two of them, scrambled eggs and toast. She was giddy while Cat still tried to muster the smile that was needed for a day like today. “Today is the day and I’m so excited! I’m going to start on your hair, then makeup, and then the dress! Oh I can’t wait for the dress, you’re going to love it!” Faith chattered on as Cat rubbed the remaining sleep from her eyes.

“I think I should start with a shower first,” Cat finished her plate bringing it to the sink, “Do you have razors here? I just realized I forgot to grab one.” She nodded pointing to the bathroom, “Thanks. I’ll try not to take too long.”

“Don’t worry I’ll let you know if you are,” she called out as Cat closed the door. Cat took out the small vial of the powdered Bliss, she poured some in her hand. It was a little more than yesterday but Cat felt she was going to need it for today, “Bottoms up.” Cat brought the powder to her tongue holding it there while she cupped some water from the sink to wash it down. “Blech! Oh god that’s worse than tylenol on the tongue,” Cat whispered to herself as she started the shower. Cat braced herself on the counter looking into her brown eyes, “You can do this. Just pretend that it was your wedding. It’s not John you’re marrying it’s Theo again,” Cat let out a slow breath as she felt the steam touch her skin.

The warm water was calming as she scrubbed herself near raw, a million thoughts running through her head until the Bliss finally took hold in her system. Maybe she could get John to get the job done tonight, and if it’s good then once more so neither of them have to do it again. She should have talked about this more to him, but here they were and certainly Cat had retained some of her tricks from her teenage years. Boys and men got turned on the same way surely. 

“Maybe men that want to sleep with you Cat,” she grumbled to herself getting the last part of her leg shaved, “And you’re far from his type. He’s just being nice because he has to be. Just like you are.”

There was a knock at the door as Cat finished up in the shower, “Mary? Are you almost done?”

“Yeah just getting out now,” Cat wrapped a towel around herself before she opened the door to see a freshly made Faith in front of her. Her dress was still a white lace, just a different kind, there was more shimmer to the outlines of more defined flowers. The sleeves were wider, bell sleeves coming down to the middle of her forearm. The bottom of the dress was more uniform than her normal wear hitting just below the knee, white and pale pink flowers with dark green leaves scattered along the lower half of the dress. Her hair was still drying but looked like there was some kind of product in it to emphasize the tiniest of natural curls. “Oh...you’re already ready?”

“Yeah. There’s more than one bathroom in this place,” She pushed through the door shuffling through the drawers, “Four to be exact.”

Cat nodded shifting on her feet uncomfortably, “Uh Faith two things,” the only acknowledgement she gave was a nod, “One, aren’t I supposed to be the only one wearing white so I’m not upstaged? And two can I have some privacy so I can at least get some underwear on?”

Faith looked to Cat her brow knitted together, “Why would I upstage you?” Her currently more blue eyes scanned Cat up and down before the realization hit. “Oh right! I didn’t even show you the dress! Trust me no one is going to upstage you in it,” Faith made her way to the dress bag pulling out a smaller bag from the bottom of it, “John might but well, it’s John. Which by the way he bought you undergarments to wear with the dress.”

Cat gingerly took the bag from Faith looking inside of it, “Thanks. I really shouldn't- Oh no.” The bag had nothing but white and the lightest of blues fabric in it, “You can’t wear white under white. This is going to show to everyone unless the dress is thick enough.”

Faith shrugged, “I think it is. Wait is that actually a rule?”

“Yeah. Given the options he gave me yesterday I doubt the dress is thick enough for this to not matter.” Cat gave a sigh, “Though it’s not like I have any other choice. I didn’t even really consider that yesterday.”

Faith pulled the small satin white robe from the bag, “Here you change and put this on,” Cat nodded solemnly, “Then I’m going to do your makeup and dry your hair so I can style it once we put the dress on. Okay?” She gave Faith one last nod before turning away from her, not dropping the towel until she heard the door close.

Cat took a deep breath in holding it in before letting it out counting to herself. It did little to calm her shaking hands but this was something common right? Have wedding jitters, only these ones were met with apprehension rather than the excitement she had two years ago. “It’s just a ceremony, it’s not legally binding,” she whispered pulling the garments on, “Hopefully.”  _ Well no it couldn’t. They would need a death certificate to officially pronounce me a widow,  _ Cat thought, trying to remember what all her research had said about it. Though it was all for Colorado, her main hope was that marriage laws didn’t change much state to state. 

Cat was tying up the robe when Faith knocked on the door walking in, “You ready for me to start?” Cat gave her a nod paired with a smile sitting in the chair Faith had. No time was wasted as Faith went to drying and getting some curls set in place for styling later. When it came to makeup Faith had little that would match Catlina’s darker skin tone. “Well it’s a good thing you weren’t going to need much makeup as it was,” Faith complimented as she worked on getting a thin line of eyeliner on, “You’re just glowing you’re so beautiful, Mary.”

Cat felt a blush come to her cheeks, “Uh. Thanks.” Catlina worked on keeping her face still as she felt the soft brushes against her skin.

“Have you ever been in a wedding before? Did someone else have to do your makeup?” A sharp ache came to Catlina’s chest with Faith’s question. Cat was the first of her friends to get married, she was going to stand in one come fall for one of her best friends since middle school. Looked like that wasn’t going to happen now. Cat was so excited to be a part of her wedding almost as much as her own, being here now was causing fractures in her heart.

“Once,” Cat responded in a hushed voice. It grew silent as Faith waited for more elaboration and getting none. 

“Well I think I’m done with the makeup so we can put the dress on, then I can do your hair.” The two got up walking into the living area, Faith unzipped the dress bag in full.

Cat’s mouth dropped at the sight of the white dress. Gold flowers were printed on it, shimmering in the light. There were a few beaded flowers scattered about the cap sleeves and waist of the dress. A corset caused the dress, with a sweetheart neckline, to have a dropped waist. The length of the dress was long and hard to tell where exactly on Cat it was going to stop at, looking at the robin’s egg blue wedges gave some comfort in the fear of the dress being too long. The material of the dress was thick enough to cover and not be see through, much to Cat’s relief. Faith had been right in that no one was going to outshine her, John had apparently made damn sure of that. 

“What did I tell ya? No one is going to outshine you,” Faith proclaimed as she worked on getting the ball gown off it’s hanger. Faith gently placed the dress on the floor for Catlina to step into. 

“I- Well- Th-this seems like a lot for someone like me,” Cat stammered out her legs and hands trembling as she stepped into the dress.

Faith turned her head as Cat undid the robe, “But you’re not just anyone Mary. You’ve been chosen. You’re special.” With the robe tossed aside Cat slid her arms through the dress holding it in place as Faith tightened the back.

“I mean if you-,” Faith had tugged too tight on the lacing, “Watch it please. I have to breathe still,”  _ And not cause undue harm to your precious heir. _

“Sorry,” Faith apologized with a sheepish look on her face.

Cat looked to the hemline of the dress, it was just an inch above the floor, with the heels it would be high enough above the ground to reduce the risk of tripping. “At least you guys aired on the shorter side.” 

Cat felt another tug on the lacing, “I’m almost there, but it’s harder than I thought it would be.”

“So long as it’s not loose enough to fall I think we should be fine,” She caught her reflection in the bathroom mirror seeing the dress in it’s full glory on her body. It was the exact shape she had wanted when she got married but could never find because all of the options were out of her price range. This dress alone probably had cost more than she had spent on her wedding. Not that it mattered in the end, Cat had still gotten what she wanted for her dream wedding. This all felt like too much.

“Okay,” Faith huffed, “Time to do your hair.” Cat sat in the chair watching as Faith worked her magic with her hair, she couldn’t help but smile. “What are you smiling about?”

Cat looked down quickly to her lap, “Nothing just how the hair stylist got stuck in traffic,” Cat shut her mouth quickly, she hadn’t meant to say something like that. Faith tilted her head raising an eyebrow, the corners of her mouth turning up in a smile. Cat took a minute to get the words right, “One of my younger sisters was getting married and the day of there was a rock slide in the canyon. No one was hurt but the hair stylist had to take a different route and would be late to the wedding.”

“Were they family, the stylist?”

Cat nodded, watching as Faith started to braid some of her hair, “Yeah. My sister started to freak out cause she didn’t want to delay the wedding. Nothing was calming her down.” Cat started to laugh at the memories, “I slapped her hands together. Had her look me in the eyes and I told her that I was going to do her hair,”  _ I got you sister. I know exactly how you want to look.  _ “She was going to look beautiful no matter what.”  _ Trust me. I’m not going to abandon you, because you wouldn’t abandon me. _ Cat kept the smile on her face as she blinked back the mist in her eyes, “Her hair looked amazing and stayed the whole night,” it had been done too well as Cat remembered having to use a whole bottle of conditioner to take it down. 

“She had a lot of trust in you to do something like that for her. You think she’d have done the same for you?” Faith asked placing symbolic white flowers throughout her hair. They were beautiful, she just wished they were in more light colors,  _ Too much white around here. _

“Yeah,”  _ We’re sisters. We’ll always be there for each other,  _ “I know she would.” 

_ “Hey calm down,” Maya said her hands still around Cat’s the feeling of a million needles poking her skin still going strong, “It’s just a small hiccup just like the small rain shower this morning.” _

_ Catlina’s heart started to race again, “That was more than just a small rain shower and you know it,” she gasped, “You don’t think the ground is going to be too muddy do you?” Cat inhaled sharply, “That’s why the rock slide happened? Everything is going to go wrong. This whole day is going to be ruined.” _

_ Maya grabbed her sister’s chin forcing her to look into her eyes, “Listen to me. Everything is going to be fine. It’s all going to work out,” she nodded slowly watching her sister follow suit, “Now we’re just going to take it one step at a time okay? First things first is getting your hair and makeup done.” _

_ Cat’s brow knitted, “Who’s going to do my makeup?”  _

_ Xandie laughed, “Me of course? Did you forget that I do costume make up?” Cat opened her mouth to protest, “And before you say anything I  _ did  _ have to learn how to apply regular makeup. So I know what I’m doing.” _

_ Maya nodded, “I know exactly how you want your hair to look. You’ve shown me so many pictures of it and we have all that we need here.” _

_ Tears fell from Cat’s eyes, “You don’t have to do this you know.” _

_ The two sisters waved off the words of their eldest sister, “We’re sisters,” Maya stated. _

_ “We’re always going to be there for you,” Xandie said, placing a hand on Catlina’s shoulder, “Just like you’ll always be there for us.” _

_ Cat brought her two sisters to her, embracing them, “Thank you. I love you two so much. I will never abandon you. Not until my dying breath…..” _

Cat reached for one of Faith’s hands looking into her teal eyes through the mirror, “Thank you for this Faith.” Cat saw the blush in Faith’s cheeks as she smiled finishing up the last flowers in Catlina’s hair. Looking at what Faith did Cat was impressed with her work. Faith had managed to make the braids look as if they weren’t braids, but natural twists in her hair. Two started from her temples and met in the back, one went over her head, and one more starting from where the two braids met in the back. The rest of Cat’s hair was free to flow in the wind with the curls tamed in small waves. The flowers Faith had placed along the braids gave the illusion of a crown, no halo, encircling her head. It was perfect. 

“Okay I think I’m done!” Faith proclaimed as she glanced at the clock in her room, “And just in time too.” Faith helped Catlina step into the light blue wedge heels giggling, “We’re about the same height now.”

Cat smiled shaking her head, “Just have to hope that I don’t fall in these shoes,” she took to walking gingerly down the stairs of the house, “Why blue though? Why not gold? Seems like it would match better.”

Faith shrugged, “Probably has to do with the whole something blue with weddings.” As they made it to the front porch Lance was already there waiting for them. Faith waved to him, “Mr. Powell, are you going to be our escort to the church?”

He gave a small smile, “I don’t think anyone else would bring you in the vehicle deserving of an occasion.” Cat saw him step to the side to reveal a bright red car. She could tell it was an older model of a car but if she had to guess it looked like the car from  _ Supernatural _ . 

“It is better than a truck Lance,” Cat told him, throwing a smile his way. She took the hand he had out stretched to her helping her into the car. “Thank you,” Cat looked around the car, “What kind of car is this and where do you find one up here? All I’ve seen is practical cars.” Faith squeezed herself in easily next to Cat, keeping the dress from getting caught in the door.

Lance got in starting up the car, letting out a contented sigh, “This beauty is a 1973 Pygmalion SSR.” Lance stepped on the gas hearing the revving of the engine a small smile coming to his face, “See now this is a car.” Lance brought the car out of park and started their journey to the compound, the biggest island on the river. “Now I just got to be careful I still gotta return this baby to ol’  McCallough when we’re done.”

“Is he an old friend of yours?” Cat asked, admiring the old car.

“Sort of,” Lance stared ahead distantly, “Used to be at least.”

“Let me guess he just couldn’t see the message the Father has been trying to tell people,” disdain laced Faith’s voice as she narrowed her eyes slightly, “and decided to cut you off when you made the choice to join.”

Cat noticed the clenching in Lance’s jaw at Faith’s words, holding in whatever he was really thinking. “Point is I get to drive the old car for a little while,” Lance kept his mouth shut after that. The car became eerie in it’s silence as the three drove to the church. Cat started to shift reaching for the radio before stopping herself. Maybe not the best time to try and find something they could all agree on.

Cat started to tap her foot trying to see what song the beat would bring up. She started to hum the tune softly to herself closing her eyes trying to picture the lyrics in her head.  _ When I was younger I saw my daddy cry, and curse at the wind.  _ Paramore.  _ He broke his own heart and I watched as he tried to reassemble it.  _ Of all the songs...it just had to be this one.  _ And my momma swore that she would never let herself forget. And that was the day that I promised I’d never sing of love, if it does not exist, but darlin’.  _ Her plan to just think about her own wedding was starting to look like a bad one.  _ You are, the only exception. You are, the only exception.  _ Her heart started to ache as she worked to keep her emotions in check in front of Lance and Faith. The lyrics to the song she and Theo chose to be the background to their first dance still played in her head.

She wanted to smile remembering how nervous she was in the heels she wore for the first half of their reception, she was convinced that she was going to fall. Theo reassured her the entire time that he wasn’t going to let that happen and if she did fall he’d make sure to fall in an even funnier way so no one would remember her falling. How it still rained on them during their ceremony but just enough to make everyone annoyed. Her grandmas’ yelling at the sky and seeming that the gods were listening since the rain immediately stopped. There was a huge twenty sided die made that people started to throw enthusiastically hoping to get the natural twenties to make the bride and groom kiss. The fun, the lightnes, the laughter of it all….

Everything she had known was going to become just memories. She knew there was part of her that was going to forget eventually but she had hoped when those days came she would still have the pictures and mementos to trigger them. It was all gone now. The guilt in her chest built up. She may as well have tossed it all to the side with how she seemed to be acting about it all. How willingly she was rolling over for them, doing as they commanded.  _ You’re surviving, _ was she though? She should have gotten out a long time ago, fought harder. How easy could it have been for her to just slip out the window during the night, or at the very least she could have-. 

No. No matter what these people do to her, she was never going to cross that line of taking their lives. She was biding her time. There was always a right time to get out and right now wasn’t that time. They didn’t trust her, had eyes on her near constantly. She needed to gain their trust, only then could she make it out of this mess alive. 

Cat could still feel herself humming as they slowed approaching the church. The turn out for this event was more than her joining of the religion, her stage fright was going to get the better of her today.  _ Was it going to be held outside? Or was everyone going to try and crane their necks to see into the church? _ Lance drove around the church dropping Faith off. “Wait aren’t you going to stay with me,” Cat’s voice trembled as she looked to Faith.

Faith’s smile didn’t waver as she clasped Cat’s hands, “I have to be up there but you’re going to be fine. Lance will be with you.” The comfort of her words was lost on Catlina as she watched Faith walk into the church, leaving her behind. 

Cat scooted over in the seat letting out a sigh trying to calm herself. She didn’t want to be alone facing everyone waiting for her. There was no way she could do this, she needed to run. The car sat idle as Lance waited for some cue to bring the car around, “Lance,” Cat’s brown eyes wide looked up to the man that was to be her guard. He glanced her way, “have you done this before?”

“No,” he stated looking down to the gauges in front of him. Cat watched as she saw the corners of his mouth pull down for a brief moment, “I almost did, but-,” he let out a sign shaking his head, “Let’s just say I almost did.” 

Cat nodded solemnly, “Well,” she placed a hand on Lance’s arm, “will you do the honor of escorting me as far as you can?”

He gave a small snort of a laugh, “That was always the plan Mrs. Seed.” He grabbed her hand reassuringly before giving her a small hug. “Now let’s get this show on the road,” Lance’s last squeeze of a hug gave comfort to Cat that she only ever felt from her own father. It was all she needed to plaster a good face on as she was helped out of the car and walked down to the life she had to embrace….for now at least.


	9. Don't Play Into His Hands

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Firstly trigger warning for mention of self harm and suicide. No descriptions just mentions.  
> Secondly: This is a bit of a time skip. Takes place about 1.5-2 months after their wedding.   
> Anyway hope you enjoy!

“You know what, I can’t wait to get home a bit early. There’s this recipe I found that I want to try out,” Cat said sticking her hand out of the window feeling the breeze of the highway against her skin. “I can have dinner fully ready by the time John gets home for once.”

Lance stoic as ever glanced quickly not wanting to take his eyes off the road for very long, “I still don’t know why you choose to make dinner when people can do it for you.”

“The same reason I run the center: I need to keep busy somehow,” Catlina stated, “Besides it feels normal. I never realized how much I would miss normal.” She stared at the light blue chiffon skirt, seeing it sparkle ever so slightly in the sun. She also would never admit it to Lance that despite her and John’s agreement of only looking like a couple in the public eye, Cat started to like the idea of them being a couple behind closed doors. Cat chalked it up to the fact that she had lived as a unit with a person for so long that anything less was just off. It probably didn’t help that her and John shared the same bed still, she didn’t like sleeping alone and it was easier to keep the act up.

Lance looked to her sympathetically with his hazel eyes as they slowed down in the driveway of the house. “I think you need to start finding a new definition of normal,” he told her looking around the property, “Hey shouldn’t we check up on Nanette since we got some time?”

Cat looked at Lance confused, the question came out of the blue, “We were just there yesterday and I told her I would be there tomorrow.” She stepped out of the car, Lance following her.

“I just think it would be nice,” Lance moved quickly to get ahead of her, “Besides you two can make some of the pie you want her to teach you.”

Cat stopped looking Lance up and down, “If I didn’t know any better I’d say you were trying to keep me out of the house, Lance.” Catlina walked past him straight to the front door. Crossing the threshold she noted how quiet the whole house was, there wasn’t anyone inside.  _ Weird,  _ she thought, shrugging her shoulders. Cat moved through the house quietly, she just wanted to change out of her Eden’s Gate garb. As she walked towards the stairs in the house Cat started to hear a faint banging. The closer she got to the master bedroom the louder and more obvious to her that it was rhythmic. This was the reason that Lance wanted her to see Nanette, why there was no one else in the house.

Cat’s heart started to fall, hearing the cries of a woman with each step bringing her closer to the door. Her hands started to shake as she reached for the handle. She hesitated, if she opened it she was sure she was going to find John in there, with whom it didn’t matter. If she stayed out here and left the house she could remain blissfully ignorant. She didn’t know why she needed to know but she did and her shaky hand placed itself on the handle turning it. She pushed it open a crack, the moans no longer muffled. A few more inches and she could see the woman with her pale skin and short dark raven hair being gripped by tattooed hands. John was on his knees while the woman was straddling him upright, John her only support from falling backwards. 

Cat’s heart sank as she felt her screaming and crying become lodged in her throat, the tension building in her body as she felt a fiery ache in her chest form. Catlina felt her free hand turn into a white knuckled fist, her eyes narrowing as a small audible gasp left her lips. Blue eyes shaded by black hair glanced her way meeting her brown eyes, before Cat turned shutting the door harder than she should have. Cat stalked out of the house past everyone not caring about where she was going, she just had to make sure her tears didn’t fall yet. 

There was no reason to get this angry and upset. She knew what she was getting herself into, then why did she want to start screaming and throwing things at John. She just needed time away, she needed to calm down. No she needed to give him a piece of her mind is what she needed to do! She should go back there and expose the living hell of him and his hypocrisy.  _ And then what? What will that do for you?  _ Cat couldn’t do that, for many reasons the biggest being that neither had wanted this marriage and exposing John would create the possibility of herself being exposed too. 

“Besides, you knew what you were getting into. There’s no need to be hurt and upset by this,” she repeated to herself as she approached an old swing on the property. Cat looked around not seeing anyone. The swing looked sturdy enough and so did the tree, whose trunk was littered with carvings of initials and what Cat assumed to be symbols of love unique to each set. She scoffed, scratching off some of the bark of the tree destroying some of the carvings. Cat sat on the swing gently making sure it would take her weight before she let her legs move out from under her. 

Cat was slow in propelling herself to the sky, she was swinging to think. She felt as angry as the day she went with John to the bunker, though with that situation she had every right to be as angry as she did. A person who got upset over catching their fake husband having sex with another person was someone that didn’t want their fake husband to be fake anymore. She didn’t want that right? No, there was no way she was going to develop those kinds of feelings for John. The most they could be was friends...maybe with some benefits. Though that was doubtful now. 

She wasn’t sure how long she had stayed in that spot but apparently long enough for John to find her and make himself presentable. She turned glancing at him before looking down to the ground in front of her, “I hope you put the sheets in the wash,” she said disdainfully. Cat used her foot to rock herself in the swing as she waited for a response.

“I thought you were supposed to be at the center today,” it was a statement more than it was a question.

“I finished early. Sometimes that happens.” Cat inhaled closing her eyes, “I’m not really mad or upset about what I just saw you doing, by the way.” 

She heard John’s footsteps move closer to her, he was just within her line of vision, “I would be if I were you.”

“Well you’re not me,” she snapped, seeing his eyebrow cock upward. “Sorry,” Cat quickly apologized. 

John crossed his arms, “You do that a lot.”

“I know. People have always told me I apologize too much,” Cat looked straight ahead to the aspen grove. 

John shook his head, “Not that. The anger,” he moved closer to her, “It comes out but then just as quickly it's gone.” He snapped his fingers for emphasis.

Cat shrugged her shoulders, “You ever thought it was because I’m in better control of my anger. Besides I don’t want to be a reminder of your trauma, even if you feel you have no triggers.”

“I think you don’t feel any anger, it’s all just an act,” John speculated, trying to bait her.

Cat furrowed her brows, “I do too,” she grumbled.

“Do you express that anger at all?” John was making her feel like she was being interrogated.

“Yes,” she stated, “I  _ tell  _ people when I’m upset with them.”

“I didn’t say upset. I said anger,” he strolled and took a seat on the tree stump crossing his legs, “If I remember correctly you’ve stated that they are two seperate feelings.” 

Cat narrowed her eyes at him letting out a heavy breath, “That’s not fair to use my own words against me.”

He gave a half smile, “You know that day at the bunker, as I made my way home, I thought I was going to hear you yell and scream that I’d finally get a chance to see who  _ you  _ are underneath your warm exterior.”

“So you’ve just been baiting me,” she tilted her head to the side, “Trying to make me angry?”

“Do you feel that I have?” Cat wanted to laugh, this was the John that everyone feared. The talker, the one who could twist your words.

She looked away from him, “You’re so frustrating at times, you know that. Why do we even need to talk about this?”

“Don’t you think it’s important to talk about it?”

“Stop that,” she said softly.

“Stop what?” Cat could hear the taunting in John’s voice with his words.

She let out a soft chuckle, “Touche, John.”

“Just tell me what it is that makes you angry, because there have been so many things here alone that do or well... _ should _ .” He put his hand out giving her the floor to speak, “Prove to me that you actually feel  _ something _ .”

Cat rolled her eyes, she didn’t have to play this game of his. She knew she felt things, lord did she spend many sessions analyzing how intensely she could feel things with her therapist back home. She didn’t need to prove anything to John, but she felt herself doing so anyway, “I was angry for a little bit there finding you with her,” she let out a long breath, “but then I realized there was no need to feel it because we never claimed to be exclusive in private. Like you’ve said before it's not like we’re really married.” She shrugged her shoulders going back to swinging back and forth slowly. 

“You still felt it,” he looked at her questioningly, his chin in his hand, “But again you placed the feeling away like it wasn’t anything to listen to.”

“You’re not my therapist you know,” Cat started to rub the old rope with her thumb. “I don’t have to open up to you about my reasons to not be angry.”

John hummed in thought before speaking again, “Why don’t you want to get angry? Everything you’ve ever claimed to be angry about you find reasons why you shouldn’t be, even if being angry is justifiable.” 

That gave Catlina pause to think over his words, it was a line repeated to her over and over again by people.  _ You have every right to be angry about this, it’s a justifiable reaction. _ As she felt herself swing, Cat tried to think of the answers that she gave people in the past, all were tinged with lies.  _ Would they be good enough to get past John?  _ “I just don’t like the feeling of it. I don’t like feeling out of control.”

John stared at her, Cat kept her motion on the swing going. It wasn’t a lie but it wasn’t the real truth to the matter. John gave a sigh, “It’s always two steps forward three steps back with you. Is it so bad to get to know you? You want to be civil but you keep changing the rules on me,” Cat stopped looking straight ahead, “I’m trying but you need to work with me.”

Cat swallowed, noticing John start to stand out of the corner of her eye, “I’m scared to get angry,” she said solemnly, looking at her lap. “I fear that if I get angry I won’t stop. At least if I find some way to get angry at myself then no one else gets hurt.”

John didn’t turn to face her completely, “That fear doesn’t just come from nowhere.”

Cat shook her head, “You’re right it doesn’t. But the reason doesn’t matter after knowing what I know about you.”

“I thought everyone’s struggles were equal because they happened?”  _ Guess John paid more attention than I thought, _ “But knowing you, I’m sure you won’t tell me.”

Cat was being baited, she knew that. It still didn’t stop her from taking it as she swallowed, “When I was about five, maybe six, I remember being woken in the middle of the night, I was told to pack what I could fit in this small pink suitcase, by my mom. My sisters and I were to pack everything we would need in the span of ten minutes, maybe less I don’t really know or remember.” She looked at John who was now looking at her, blue eyes steady, “We drove for hours, I think we went over state lines at one point, I was scared and my sisters were too. My mom wouldn’t tell us anything other than to shut up because she was driving.”

_ “Mom where’s dad? Can’t we go back home already?”  _

Cat sniffled holding back her emotions, “I found out later my parents had gotten into a fight, nothing new during that time, they fought a lot.” Cat watched John move to take a seat again before continuing, “It was always so much screaming, it scared all three of us, but I had to be the one to make sure they would be safe.” John nodded, he understood that much, Jacob was their protector in their home, “We didn’t have to worry about the same things as you thankfully, but they still got violent with each other.”

“You saw, or at least heard, your dad hitting your mom,” he interjected softly, “That still must have been traumatic for you three.”

Cat gave a sad smile, “Not my dad,” she felt her heart start to race, “My mom. Dad never hit her, at most he pushed her in self defense. My mom-.” She paused trying to find the best way to word everything, before realizing she didn’t need to. John didn’t know her and her mom was two states away, what did it matter what Gina Rojas thought of how her daughter painted her. “My mom seemed to always instigate the fighting. It would start as screaming over something small, like dishes or lack of helping us with homework, etcetera. Soon though they would move upstairs to their room and that’s where we could hear the stomping around. Glass breaking, things hitting the wall, the sound of skin to skin contact sometimes. My mom would throw all that she could grab at my dad or start slapping him, I think punched him once or twice. Their room was always a mess afterwards.”

“Where did the leaving come in?” John asked softly.

“She’d get so mad at him that she would threaten to leave him and I guess that night she went through with it, well for a few days at least. It happened one other time that she took us with her, after that she just left the house by herself,” she shrugged, shaking her head. “She was always so dramatic. Once I got old enough to watch my sisters, I think I was eight maybe nine,” Cat chuckled, “the fighting slowed, it wasn’t so often. Then again my dad started to go on more trips for work to make more money. So there wasn’t a need to fight him at least, but she still seemed to have this anger that she needed to let free every now and then. So she yelled at us and made punishments harsher.” Cat looked to John gauging his reaction to what she was telling him, his body was still as he sat watching her. “I tried to make sure that I got all the punishment that I could, but every now and again my sisters would get it.” Catlina stifled her laughter, “There was one time she tried to take my sister to the orphanage, over I think spilling a drink in our room and for ‘talking back’. I cried and cried holding on to her for dear life until mom pushed me off of her,” the whole situation was ludicrous and Cat’s need to laugh was strong at just how ridiculously harsher the punishment was to the crime, “My mom came back with her a few hours later and said I was her saving grace because I cared about her so much. I don’t think either of them remember that incident though.” Cat felt some tears fall down her face, “She never hit us like your parents did. She wasn’t a bad mom, not really, she loved us.”

“I don’t think you feel your last statement is completely true. That last time you even made the slightest mention of your mom there was a bitter tone,” John surmised. 

Cat bit her lip smiling at John, he caught her, “And people say you’re just a pretty face.” She shrugged, “You’re right though I guess. I stopped seeing her like a mom after my first suicide attempt when she left me all alone in that hospital. Never bothered to check up on me until I seemed ‘stable’ enough.” Cat could feel her arms and hands become numb, ghost like, “Until my depression reared its ugly head there was so much about our childhood that was  _ normal _ , the fighting was a small blip, only staying because bad memories stay longer than good ones.” Cat shut her eyes conjuring up one last memory, “I’ll never forget the time my sister and I walked in during one of their fights and the  _ look,”  _ Cat shivered at the memory, “The look she gave my sister and I...well I had never seen that look before. It was just pure fury. Her eyes may as well have been red, horns growing from her head, surrounded by smoke and fire. If I had to define wrath,” her voice became distant, “it would just be a snapshot of that memory.” She looked to John feeling more in her body again, “I vowed I was never going to let myself get to that point. If I never get angry I can never get to her level. The closest I ever felt close was when I had started a new medication. I felt myself go for a punch, on someone I care about, over something so small, that I don’t even remember what it was.”

John leaned against his knees letting out a breath, “I’m sorry you had to experience that. Though offering my opinion here, that shouldn’t stop you from letting yourself become angry.”

“I do become angry John,” Cat started to swing again, “I just control it.”

“Suppress it. Not control it,” he stood walking in front of her. “Right now. Get angry.”

She looked up to him, eyebrow cocked, “I’m not angry though.”

“You just found out your husband has been sleeping around,” John goaded, “That he’s been, in your words, torturing people. You’ve been taken from your  _ home _ , your  _ family. _ ” Cat turned away, shutting her eyes, her hands gripping the ropes tighter. “You were forced to marry. You’re mistrusted by everyone here, acting like I don’t see the loneliness in your eyes when you come home some days.” 

“Stop,” Cat whispered, “Stop talking please.”

John’s voice increased in volume, “And before that, you were abandoned by your mother. Made out to be crazy. Shamed into trying to find love and affection in anyone that would give it to you.” Catlina’s heart started to beat in her ears, “ How you just admitted to your mom nearly taking away your own sister, to never be seen again. So tell me do those things make you angry?”

Cat took deep breaths as she tried to keep her emotions in check. He wanted her to blow up, wanted her to get violent like him. She wasn’t going to play his game, “I feel angry. I get upset about many things.”

“Do you though? Are you so immature that you think you can never let it out? That you can rationalize it away all the time?” He reached for one of her arms, “Or do you just enjoy taking it out on yourself?” He twisted it so her inner arm was facing her the ridges of old scars glaring at her.

She wretched her arm away, “Stop! You don’t know what you’re talking about!”  _ Just keep a level head. No matter how much you want to hurt him. _

“Don’t I?” His smile turned her blood to ice, “Okay so how about the injustice in the world? Little Miss everyone should be treated equally and fairly. Does that not make you mad? You struggled your whole adult life trying to make a living, trying to make some kind of life out of the pennies you were tossed every now and then. All while those in charge laughed at you, mocked you, took away from you.” He was inches from her, she wanted to scratch his blue eyes out, “How this country put a man in charge that says you and your family shouldn’t even  _ be  _ here. That you deserve to live in  _ cages _ ,” Catlina’s ears rang as she felt her teeth start to grind. If she could she would have torn his venomous tongue from his mouth, “Are you  _ really _ going to sit there and tell me that you don’t feel angry about that?”

Catlina stood quickly, her hand going for his throat, before stopping herself from making contact, red over taking her peripherals, “I said.  _ STOP! _ ” She felt the heat rise to her cheeks as her breathing sped up, “Stop! You don’t know fuck all about me!” John took a step back. She stalked closer to him looking him in the eye. He wanted her angry he was going to get her anger, “Stop trying to act like some goddamn devil’s advocate. Stop trying to get me to be like you!” She grabbed his shirt bringing his face eye level to her, “I don’t  _ want  _ to be like you! I  _ refuse _ to let my anger, my  _ pain _ , rule how I live my life!” She released him with a shove seeing him almost trip over his feet, “I will not buy into this bullshit of yours that I have to stay angry at the world in order to change it!  _ I’m one person! _ I can’t do much other than try to make the world better to those I come into contact with!” She stabbed his chest with her finger, “And for some god forsaken reason that includes you too.” 

The red started to dissipate as her eyes came back into focus, finding herself greeted with a smug grin, “Yes!” He placed his hands on her shoulders, “There! Right there!” Cat’s eyes went wide, her brows knitting, “There’s that anger. Just let it out! Show me what you’re capable of!”

Cat shook her head, mouth agape, taking a step back,  _ He’s...he’s way too excited about this.  _ She shrugged his hands off of her, “No,” she said softly, “No I’m not going to keep playing your game,” she turned facing the house.

His hand wrapped around her upper arm, “It’s not a game,” he growled, “It’s a life lesson.”

She pulled his hand off of her, “I don’t need whatever life lesson you’re going to give me.” She threw his hand down, “New and final rule: Don’t  _ ever  _ come near me again.” She stomped off to the house.

“If what you say is true, that rule won’t last very long,” he called out to her.

“Fuck you, John!” John didn’t attempt to follow her as she made her way into the house locking the door to the guest bedroom behind her, a chair placed under the handle just in case. Her heart was beating out of her chest as she paced the room, “Don’t play into his hand. Don’t let it overtake you,” she whispered to herself clasping her shaking hands. Why did she let herself be baited by him? She could keep a level head any other time when people said those things. What made John Seed so different? 

“You’re not going to play his game, you’re going to stay sane. Stay true to yourself,” she could still feel the clenching of her jaw and tension in her body as she breathed slowly. “It’s your fault that he was right. You knew  _ exactly  _ what he was doing and you still let him get to you,” she paused catching her reflection in the mirror. “You idiot! You’re supposed to be smart! You fell for his tricks! Let your stupid heart get in the way of your better judgement!”  _ You need to punish yourself.  _ Cat searched the room for anything sharp enough to break skin, settling on pulling off the metal corner on one of their holy books. It would take a few runs to break into blood but it would hurt, that’s all that mattered. That’s all she needed to get back to normal.


End file.
